Omg, you guys, the Jehovah’s Witnesses just showed up at my door, and I guess I’ve been living alone for too long because I talked so much they finally had to excuse themselves.
You Might Also Like
I’m glad that Costco checks receipts when you leave because I don’t want to live in a world where someone gets away with stealing 1500 Ritz crackers
This recipe calls for 4 cups of cheese. That seems like an awful lot. I’ll add 6 just in case.
If I got kidnapped I’d continuously sing Pitbull songs until they kill me, I’d die but at least they’d suffer too.
Me: Is that a web tattoo on your elbow because you like Spider-Man?
Them: Naw, I killed 5 people
Me: so you don’t like Spider-Man?
My wife begged me to stop singing Outkast songs, so I was like, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alri
I always strip to the waist when I quit a job.
Let’s do something we both know we’ll regret in the morning. Let’s order KFC for dinner.
Husband: We’re invited to a dinner party
Me: Did Agatha Christie teach us nothing??
If a neighbor rolls up in a golf cart to your new house, he’s either the really fun neighbor or he’s your new HOA overlord.
Friend 1: I do P90x to stay in shape
Friend 2: I just started crossfit
Me: Pssh, I just kiss my kids when they have a stomach bug.
*Shakes wife awake
“Honey. I’ve done it. I’ve invented a time machine!”
Wife:Omg kill Hitler!
“What? It’s a time machine: it tells time.”
Him: why do you keep poking me ?
Her: I’m looking for the mute button
No one has a bigger death wish than a 10yo spying on her older sister while her sister is talking to a boy.
Damn girl are you a bra because ur very supportive but I can’t figure out how to get you off
“What? Only 2% Milk? Then what’s the other 98%!?”
[bull walking confidently out of the factory]
Oh you don’t wanna know
How old do I look?
9yo: 30
Aww, you deserve ice crea-
9yo: Just like grandma
-m but too bad you’re not getting any
Local Singles 2.9 Miles From Your Area
*refresh page*
Local Singles 3.7 Miles From Y..
“no dont leave”
*refresh page*
Local Singles 7.8 Mile
*wakes at 3am*
*sits in dark*
*jingles chains & scratches walls*
*waits for everyone to be so creeped out they can’t sleep & we open gifts*
Wax museum director: What are we going to do with all this old wax?
Twizzlers CEO: We’ll take it.
How many different places do you look for something before you decide it’s lost?
Men – 2
Women – 1,768
Ironically the best judge is someone who knows both parties fairly well, and can attest that both parties are idiots.
Told my 10 y/o daughter that even though I got a big promotion at work my most important job is still just being her dad and she said, “that’s nice” and asked me to get her a glass of water.
I really need to go on the show Survivor. Not for the money or the fame. It’s just the only way I’m ever gonna effectively lose weight.
doctor: “how much exercise do you do per week?”
me: “um.. does sex count?
doctor: “yes”
me: “absolutely none”
Phantom of the Opera: Oh sure, NOW masks are totally cool.
Social media is perfect when you’re feeling sorry for yourself and your desire is to feel worse.
Husband: You’re ruining my life
Me: Does this mean I still have to make dinner?
I’ll stick with papa johns 🤣🤣🤣
Him: which of these two fanny packs is better?
Me:
Me:
Him: you can say neither
Me: oh thank goodness!
I’ve come to the terms with the fact that finding stuff in the refrigerator is not one of my life skills. Our entire fridge could be made out of roast beef and I will ask you where the roast beef is.