the show The Witcher is incredibly unfaithful to the game. where are the shots of Henry Cavill spending 7 to 10 minutes unsuccessfully trying to climb a small wall
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Sir, would you like to upgrade your $7 small popcorn to a large and get a soft drink for an additional $1200?
Spider 1: hey man, your fly’s down
Spider 2: yeah, the little fella’s been like that since I ate his brother
Splinter: ok I’ve made some coloured disguises for you all
Donatello: to protect our identities?
Splinter: exactly Raphael
Michaelangelo: lol he’s not Raphael
Splinter: sorry you’re right Leonardo
Raphael: master, that’s not-
Splinter: just put them on please
I, too, enjoy McDonald’s sausage biscuits. We will dialogue further, you and I.
Remember back when we had energy? Those were the days.
Whenever I’m at home drinking alone with my dog, I tell people I’m drinking with my dawg, so it sounds like I’m drinking with my cool friend
When people say they want to give a voice to the voiceless I say like a ventriloquist?
The Sun
your honor, i nominate the real murderer for the ice bucket challenge!! [a guy stands up] nice
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Cuz saying ‘pulled me under’ sounds weird??
Simba – “welcome to… The bone zone”
Nala – “the what?”
Simba – “elephant graveyard. I said elephant graveyard”
My sign? I’m a Zebra, no grey areas for me.
Narrator: Ursula was indeed a Libra. She often confused astrology with zoology.
*intermittently glances at phone while placing order for 6 burritos so the Chipotle lady thinks they’re for multiple people*
all my dance moves look like i’m trying to tell the guy on first base to steal second
People who say losing weight is “just math” clearly have no idea how far out of my way I go to avoid math.
Me: What would it take for you to get into the same water tank with a giant phantom jellyfish?
Her: A lot. I’m pretty spineless when it comes to such things.
Zodiac Killer origin story where he’s bullied by an astrologist
If Spiderman gets a lady pregnant, does she have 1 baby, or like 10,000?
Hi I’m in my forties and I cry when I drop something on the floor and have to bend over and pick it up.
Seeing someone’s false eye lash fall off is awkward. I never know if I should catch it or kill it.
Wife: Could you load the dishwasher while you’re in the kitchen?
Husband: I’m in the bathroom now
W: Please change the roll
H: Sorry. Garage.
W: Please wash the car
H: Can’t. I’m in France now
W: Bring back croissants
Last weekend, Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie tied the knot in a small intimiate ceremony attended by 20 of their closest children.
supermarket employee [scanning 34 different types of cheese]: you sure do like cheese
me [nervously looking at rat in my pocket aiming a gun]: yes, i do
Please do not shout “2020” in a crowded theater.
The fact that my AC suggests “church” after “I’m heading to…” suggests I have a dumb phone instead of a smart phone.
Staring at my daughters dolls and wondering which one will kill me in my sleep.
No you cannot be my boyfriend. I am going steady with bread & we are in love.
As a man with a beard, I can tell you, when you get sauce in there you just rub it in. It’s part of the beard now
My shower curtain always knows when I need a hug.
How to get ready for things :
1. Procrastinate for 5 hours
2. Panic 10 min before leaving