How long before your caterpillars will turn into butterflies?
Me looking at your eyebrows
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*horse walks into a bar*
*horse walks into a bar*
*horse walks into a bar*
*horse walks into an optometrist*
Horse: Holy shit please help me
Other kids growing up wanted to be a cowboy or a spaceman. Me, I wanted to be a hippopotamus.
And I’ve still got time.
5 told me they read Pinocchio at school and that Pinocchio’s nose got big if he lied, then she looked at me and said “wow mummy you must have lied a lot”
Receptionist: the doctor can see you now
invisible man who’s also blind: who said that
receptionist: who said that
Her: The problem with men is they only ever want one thing!
Me *nodding wistfully* a sequel to Ratatouille
oh you like road-trips? name every road then
Me: sorry I can’t work today, the baby’s not well
Boss: what baby?
Me: me
I’d expect Captain America to be fatter.
I count the fridge as one of my erogenous zones.
Woke up in a graveyard. Never felt more alive.
The people naming dinosaurs should teach the people naming hurricanes how to name stuff.
Walked past a group of cats that meowed at me so I meowed back. They stopped meowing and now I’m worried I said something homeowphobic
Every morning when my husband gets up for work I whisper, “You can just leave your money on the nightstand.” He doesn’t find it nearly as funny as I do.
When someone asks “You know what I think?”, I say “Yes I do”. End of discussion.
Sales of wood-chippers have gone way up as the quarantine has continued. That makes sense on farms, but most buyers are apartment dwellers.
Just realized I follow Barack Obama and he follows me back. Excuse me while I send the leader of the free world a DM about Harry Potter.
My resume says, “GIMME A JOB,” I’ve had four recruiters reach out and tell me to stop watching career TikTok for advice.
We all have our weaknesses. Yours are just more obvious.
wife: it doesn’t start until 4, why are we leaving so early?
me: i have to set up the grill and tap the keg in the parking lot for the tailgate party
wife: that’s not a thing at funerals
My neighbors started Christmas decorating right after they ran out of Halloween candy so I called the police.
[Shop class]
Satan: Whatcha makin’?
God: Trust. Man can use it to form lasting bonds and friendships. What you making?
Satan: A bong.
We only have one day set aside to celebrate women, but sharks get a whole week! Clearly, women need to start eating more people.
Just saw a woman, covered in red paint, running and screaming from an abandoned country house, LOL good prank.
[trying not to think about Sonic The Hedgehog during sex]
Her: faster! faster!
Me: oh god no
Me [giving spelling test]: infinite…Infinite… I have an “infinite” amount of peanut butter in my pantry.
Student: that’s impossible
Me: I assure you, it’s not
Condensed milk is from dwarf cows
me: *releasing a hot dog into the tube at the bank drive-thru* be free
Best vacation spots:
1. My Bed
2. My Couch
3. That corner spot at the bar
4. Air ducts at work
I just went to church and had communion. Ok it was a gas station and I had 2 donuts but I did say a prayer before scratching my lotto ticket