Me working remotely from home:
“Sorry I’m late to the Zoom, I got caught up in another *meeting that ran over.”
*moving laundry from washer to dryer
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As of last night my mom has more Aerosmith tattoos than my sister again. For now anyway.
*waking up from a nightmare* okay no this is worse
Dogs are lucky because no one cares when they bite people who antagonize them. Even after a warning, people still freak out when I do it.
I’m just a short girl, sitting in a car, being strangled by my seat belt.
I’ll never understand why the guy that invented braille didn’t just put the dots in shape of the actual letters.
My neighbor and I stepped out at the same time, both of us dressed up for meetings. I nodded at him approvingly. He looked me up and down and grinned. I STILL GOT IT, I thought. Gave my presentation to 50 people. Get home only to realize my pants are inside out.
Me *texting* I found a genie!
Wife: ok don’t do anything stupid
Me *finishing my 3rd taco* like what
Stop burning bridges. They’re not even good kindling. Just use sticks.
Friend from college: Hey! You remember that time…
Me: No
I’ve never seen a person look more like Danny Torrance, Shelly Torrance, and the Overlook Hotel carpet at once.
The girl in front of me googled “med school GPA” and then immediately after googled “what can I do with a biology degree”.
I have witnessed someone face reality.
Probably should schedule my next dentist appt for this week since I ate some street corn last night and this may be the only time I floss this year.
Having ordered a cake from Layer’s I requested they send change for 2000/- (conversation was in Urdu). This is what was delivered!
Don’t you hate it when some idiots won’t even go 5 mph over the speed limit in the left lane but then when you try to pass them all of a sudden they want to go 127 mph into the sun
Weather: is bad
My body: welp time for a migraine
Weather: is good
My body: welp time for a migraine
Me: but
My body: I said what I said
I admire the sense of humor ”Capri Sun” execs had like ’let’s put juice in a bag and give it to kids lol’.
Glade bathroom spray- because everyone loves the smell of someone crapping on a rose bush.
Changed my outgoing voicemail message to “You have reached the government.”
Hate when I zone out while someone’s talking to me and they have the nerve to ask me a question like I’m in 5th grade and they’re a teacher.
Me: I had a dream I cut the grass.
Husband: How short?
Me:
Husband: HOW SHORT?!
Pretty sure airport food was priced by children just learning about numbers.
“Ok Brian, how much should this apple cost?” SIXTY TWO DOLLARS!
Hey small town pharmacy workers. I’m gonna need you to stop yelling about my meds as I am most certainly surrounded by former teachers, ex boyfriends, and/or relatives.
“Oh, that shirt had buttons.”–me, at bath time right after I pull my kid’s head off
[audition for a vampire tv show]
ME: as u can see in my headshots, i’m a vampire
CASTING DIRECTOR: theres no one in these photos
ME: exactly
You ever do something so stupid, your mouth refuses to work so you can’t tell on yourself?
Poker is a game of pretending you’ve got something better than you really do. Poker sounds a lot like my marriage.
how about a movie where an old man teaches a kid karate with the ulterior motive for him to one day win a car waxing contest
Me: Can’t you just hot-wire it?
Apple technician: No ma’am, your phone actually needs the passcode.
CONFIRMED: Pete Davidson is now dating Sims 1 Bella Goth 🫢🫢
My son just got his brown belt in Tae Kwon Do. If you threaten him, he bows respectfully before he runs.