there’s a lot of rumors going around about me about how I exaggerate the number of rumors going around about me
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When your prospective father-in-law asks:”Why do you ask for my daughters hand in marriage?”
Do NOT say:”Because I am tired of using my own”
[Friday Night]
WIFE: Have fun at poker
ME {stopping at door}: What did you say?
W: Have fun
ME: After that
W: Uh…at poker-
ME: IT’S POKÉMON
Every old house is haunted, but some ghosts are just clumsier than others.
When I see someone at a carwash late at night, I assume they’ve just committed murder.
My 5-year-old has been digging around in my hair on the back of my head lately and today he finally confessed he’s been “lookin for the eyes.”
[the first ever boomerang]
HIM: Get rid of it
ME [scared] I can’t
The only difference between the 13yr old me and the 28yr old me is that my kool-aid now contains vodka.
Siri, where did I go wrong?
Siri: How long you got?
Don’t mess with grandma when her bodyguard is near.
Today I’m approaching teens dressed like I’m from the future, locking eyes, and saying “Happy Presidents Day, sir” with a wink
These are my roll models.
We need tire spike strips installed for those idiots who can’t follow the big arrows and drive the wrong way down parking lot isles.
They’ll remember what those arrows mean next time.
My favorite type of Facebook marketplace sales are “people who gradually realize its impossible to get rid of a piano”
Just when you think you have your shit together, a sock goes missing from the dryer and disappears from the face of the earth.
choose your fighter(holiday edition)
Yet another “No DMs” bio. All this civil rights progress but bigotry against Dungeon Masters is still tolerated.
Mandatory urine test tomorrow means asparagus for dinner tonight.
Two can play.
I once had sex while drinking a beer and didn’t spill a drop.
I only wish there was someone else there to witness it.
(holding a pickle like a cigarette) do you mind if i?
I told my bf if he keeps forgetting to say “bless you” when I sneeze I’m going to just go ahead and let that old lady, nagging demon in.
He said “so what would be the difference?”
If anyone asks, you haven’t seen him in two weeks either.
[camping]
Friend: You gonna put that tent up yourself?
Me: No, you sicko, under that tree.
coconuts are mammals. i know this because they are furry, they produce milk, and make excellent companions
Everyone else could have their eyes shut, runny noses and food in their teeth but if I look thin, it’s a GREAT group photo.
Birds are UFOs if you are not a birdwatcher
You had me at Whipped Cream Vodka.
Are we sure the wise men who brought frankincense and myrrh weren’t just trying to sign Mary up for their essential oils pyramid scheme?
GHOSTBUSTER: so wait, you called us because your neighbor painted his fence purple?
ME: it’s strange, weird, and it doesn’t look good—your lyrics couldn’t be more clear about this
i’ll take the “hell yes assorted cheese” please
People who go to the store and buy the single roll of toilet paper must not have an optimistic view of their life expectancy.
ME *traps wasp under a cup*
MAGICIAN GHOST WHO HAUNTS ME: *appears & sets down 2 more cups*
ME: no
MAGICIAN GHOST: *starts to shuffle them*