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I believe in workplace drug testing.
That’s why I slipped Ambien and Ex-Lax into my boss’ coffee.
Let’s test which one works faster.
MAGICIAN: i will now make my assistant disappear
ASSISTANT: *covers eyes with hands*
AUDIENCE FULL OF BABIES: *gasp with wonder and delight*
Any question can be a rhetorical question if you walk away fast enough.
[looking in the mirror and thinking about how I’m created in God’s image] wow God needs to go on a diet.
This tape doesn’t even taste like scotch.
I downloaded Google Wallet but there was no money in that one either. wtf
Kids are like bears. If you play dead eventually they’ll leave you alone.
[after explaining speed limit signs]
5: I like how you’re creative with speed limits
me: It’s raining so we have to run to the car, ok?
toddler: Ok
me:
toddler:
me: You gotta let me open the door before you start running
toddler *rubbing his head* Ok
Someone’s hair in my food: bad, disgusting, indicative of chaos behind the scenes
My own hair in my food: hey it happens, welcome home my son, spend as much time in my mouth as you need
At my 12yo’s school awards ceremony tonight I danced in my seat just enough for her to see me, smile, shake her head in happy embarrassment, and look down to avoid accidentally smiling again
My work here is done
COWORKER: turn that frown upside-down!
ME: *rotates head 180 degrees along vertical axis as eyes go black and lights flicker*
CW: uuhh…
If you think going for a drive isn’t cardio, you haven’t been in my passenger seat.
What I said: Brush your teeth!
What my 4yo heard: Chew on your toothbrush so I have to buy you a new one every week.
I’m not alone. I have ants.
[bank]
Matt Damon: “I’d like to make a deposit.”
Teller: “Checking or…”
Matt Damon: “Please, don’t.”
Teller: “Savings, Private Ryan?”
Imagine how difficult it would be if you had two colleagues, one called Ian and one called Iain, but Iain only had one eye.
Reading a magazine waiting at the checkout and was told, “this is not a library”, so I read it out loud.
I hate restaurants where they won’t let you bring your own mariachi band.
Pre-diction: Baby’s first words will be garbled.
I just watched a 15 year old girl who was busy texting walk into a light post and I am no longer an atheist.
Me: I’m making home made soup.
H: Nice, what’s in it?
Me: *Reads ingredients from packet.
My doctor told me my testosterone level was unusually high. At least that’s what I think he said, I could hardly hear him over the chainsaw.
Words I thought I would never have to yell from the kitchen into the living room: “DON’T GIVE THE CAT SCOTCH!”
Nothing prepares you for the metamorphosis of when you open your mouth and your mother comes out.
Doctor: I’m afraid you’re dying
Me: And there’s no cure?
Doctor: Yes just cut out pizza and chocolate
Me: I can’t believe there’s no cure
I had no idea so much of my married life was going to be spent listening to my husband complain about the price of gas, yet here we are.
Cement your reputation as the office Romeo by committing suicide over an underage girl you’ve been seeing for less than a week.
BOSS: I hate “yes men.”
ME: Yeah. Me too.
BOSS: I like employees who speak their mind.
ME: Yeah. They’re the best.
BOSS: You get me.
ME: Yep
Everyone is all “love is patient” during the wedding but when there’s a long line for the open bar, not so much.