hey, teens who listen to classic rock: you were probably conceived to some of your favorite songs.
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The person in that bathroom stall would not survive ‘A Quiet Place’
Mrs goat: I’m pregnant
Mr goat: You’re kidding
Mrs goat: Literally yes
I’m starving and all I have is a refrigerator full of health food. I hate who I was four days ago.
Isn’t it annoying when someone sits next to you in an empty cinema? I didn’t think so but that’s what my new best friend is telling security
If I don’t make this right hand turn going exactly 3 mph, the entire universe will explode & everyone will die.
– the lady in front of me
They were right. I woke up this morning to find my house ransacked. My private belongings were tossed everywhere. My electronics are missing. Legos are everywhere, even in my personal office. There’s a pair of tiny blue Crocs by the door. Oh god they’re storming the bedroo-
Remember, smoking doesn’t kill people. People who are trying to quit smoking kill people.
No thanks farting robot on the wall I’ll use the paper towels to dry my hands nice try though
Guys love being called “daddy” until the pregnancy test comes back positive!! 😆😆
*CRASH*
*THUMP*
*SCREAM**Husband runs into bedroom*
H: OHMYGOD ARE YOU OKAY?
Me: Yeah. Just taking off my sports bra.
I really think Miracle Whip lowered the bar for what constitutes a miracle.
Hey Facebook…Meta sounds like the name of Elon Musk’s next girlfriend.
my landlord still demanding physical checks like can you not exploit me here in the digital age…
Her: I’ve found a picture of you when you were a baby!
Me: yeah? let me see.
Her: *shows me a pic she took during a previous argument*.
when my four year old asked “mommy does a snowman have 3 balls?” I realized my biggest problem is im just not, nor will i ever be, mature enough to have kids
I think I found a perfect place for Spongebob.
So, turns out the fig leaf is not appropriate apparel for the modern office, even on dress-down Friday. Who knew?
Twitter makes possible so many amazing things we couldn’t do before. Like trolling the Nazis:
*gets down on 1 knee*
OMG
*puts 2nd knee down*
WHAT?
*lays on floor*
JIM?
*snake noises*
WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
*slithers out of relationship*
IT: You deleted the OS?
Me: I think so.
IT: It didn’t warn you?
Me: Yeah, but it only kinda warned me. What’s with the inquisition bro?
*holds a grudge*
Grudge: PUT ME DOWN!
My 8 year old daughter is either sick and needs constant care or she’s ready to move out and start her life. There’s no in between.
[using ouija board]
Why isn’t he responding to us? I’m annoyed
H I A N N O Y E D I M D A D
People who make grand sweeping generalizations are all idiots
100% of people in this world have texted “I just saw your text” at some point which is proof that there are no honest people in this world
neighbor: did you steal my trampoline
are robert
me:
accusations harmful
I have to wonder why we have “non-essential” government employees in the first place.
I’m pretty sure my little brother exists only because I got too old to be my mama’s remote control.
getting a cast iron skillet so i can still not do my dishes, but now people will think i’m classy
#YeaThatsMeInARelationship No, I don’t think we are on the same page.