It’s like the world is being written by a third grader now.
“Then the virus came, and then there was no toilet paper, and then schools closed, and then there was a tsunami!!!”
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If I won the Mega Millions jackpot, I would pay my kids to be quiet for 5 minutes.
Why do authors subtitle their books, “A Novel”. Did someone look at their book one day and say “I thought this was a sandwich?”
My landlord is very strict about dogs. It doesn’t matter how well-behaved they are. He still won’t accept them as a form of rent.
Sharing a streaming account with someone who doesn’t have their own profile is like gaslighting yourself.
“I don’t remember watching this”
SS: Yes you did. See right here? That’s where you stopped watching.
“You sure? I really don’t remember watching this”
Really, every section of the greeting card aisle could be called “Societal Obligation.”
me: what do you know about atoms?
friend: very little
me: besides that
[Christopher Columbus arriving in Hell]
Columbus: I’m the first person here! I discovered this!
Me: Jesus, are these… are these claw marks in the sand?
Jesus: I put you on the back of an emu lololololol
[reeling in big fish and turns to friend]
you got the net?
“yes”
ok, google how to get this thing in the boat
All these pregnancy photos are so annoying. It’s like, “Ugh, we get it, you ate a baby.”
Hell yes we can still be friends if you don’t drink, I’m not that shallow. You have a driver’s license, right??
John Wick 4 was so good I wish violence was real
[on quiz show]
“and if you won some money today keith, what would you do with it?”
*leans way too close into the microphone*
spend it alex
I put a message in an empty wine bottle and threw it in the ocean.
It said, “Please refill and return to sender.”
Now I wait.
If you’re a guy and your profile picture has a photo clicked of yourself in front of a mirror,
OH GOD WHY?!?
Them: “Dance like no one is watching.”
Me: *dances*
Them: “WTF is she doing? She knows we can see her, right?”
“Live each day like it’s your last”
Wow okay but that’s A LOT of flipping the bird at everyone
Why did Adele cross the road?
To say hello from the other side
This is the huge spider that I killed inside my shirt by slapping my side while driving my kid to school. So, yea, I’d call it a win win.
Fell down the stairs and my 5yo complained, that it was so loud. I told him, i would fall more quietly next time and he looked at me like i was very stupid and said”Just don’t fall at all!” I was glad that he provided this solution!
Apparently, saying “make it a double” followed by an awkward wink doesn’t work at the pharmacy.
If the wife and I ever separate, she’ll definitely miss having a finger jammed in her mouth whenever she yawns
I hear my ex is now into cross dressing & looking for same. At least that’s what the Craigslist ad I just posted on his behalf says.
Ah the throw away lines of children at the dinner table “I eat the shit food first”.
Ageing is just getting angrier and angrier at what rappers are called now until you see a rap name that gives you an aneurysm and you die
DONALD TRUMP (45 minutes into watching wall-e): this film is not what i hoped it would be
I asked my kid if he had a good day at kindergarten and he said it was a really good day and his friend fell off a stool. I don’t know if these two facts are related.
goldfish memory actually lasts for months not seconds so don’t play that “I forgot about the rent” shit with me, Bubbles
Snake: What do you do?
Gun shop owner: I’m an arms dealer.
*snake gets super excited*
If you click with someone, be their friend. If they prove they’re not worthy of your friendship, bury the body & start again.