Any job that calls u a rockstar just know they’re underpaying u
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Me: Do you wanna do a scavenger hunt?
Kid: Nah, I’m just gonna play on the iPad
Me: Perfect! Because guess what I just hid
We have to operate now
if the cancer spreads anymore you won’t be able to tell the difference between people & food
“Are you nuts?”
Dear God
Who the hell is responsible for the abbreviation of “pounds?”
I made my bed and found a half eaten stick of butter in it. When I asked my child if she put anything in mommy’s bed, she said “I did not put butter in it.” The mystery continues. More at 11.
[being strangled]
me: wait stop
murderer: what
me: did u wash your hands
*sees sharp scissors, hot glue guns, and simmering office rage*
Maybe team building with arts and crafts wasn’t such a great idea.
melted five butterfingers together and made a butterfist
jesus [resurrected from the dead]: alright boys let’s get them eggs
peter: w-what
jesus: egg hunt it’s a thing we’re doing now
john: are you ok
peter: jesus you seem a little… off
jesus: *turning chicken into marshmallow* you have to do this every year
Def Leppard: Pour some sugar on me.
Definite Leopard: Place precisely two teaspons of sugar directly in my hand.
what are they serving at kfc then???
i am single and looking for someone amazing! but if my ex is reading this i have 12 boyfriends and they have all proposed to me
Clown Uber driver:
Get in! We have room for one more.
I say elections should be decided with an old fashioned game of dodge ball.
A curious tradition — to look at a newborn baby and say to yourself, “Because of your DNA, one day you will rule over me.”
Raisins are grape jerky.
Always.
(Click “gift options” for merch:
[Interview]
“Tell me your weaknesses”
Me: Well, I..
*wife busts in* He’s a mouth breather, leaves the toilet seat up, forgets to take out th
*First Date
Her: Why are we at Home Depot?
Me: I wanted to see what it’s like to pick out bathroom tile with you. See if this is worth it.
If you’re a software developer, are you code-dependent…
[blind date]
HIM: so Paul says that you’re a real charmer *smiles*
ME:*whips out three snakes from my bag and a flute* you bet i am
The reason I don’t like Facebook’s “memories” feature is because it shows me 6 years ago wearing the same shirt I have on right now.
I don’t like when they use “late” to describe a deceased person. It’s like give a guy a break on his attendance, he’s dead.
boss: you’re fired
me: [pausing tiktok] why
Kids just said, “we made a piñata for the cat’s birthday!” and I’m here like we have a cat and it has a birthday?
Newton’s daughter had dem apple fallin genes, boots with the fur
I’m in a long distance relationship. My girlfriend’s in the future.
The best thing about Twitter is that I can reveal my deepest and darkest secrets and you dumbasses think I’m joking.
[in the bedroom]
Husband: Close your eyes. I’m going to do something you’re really going to enjoy.
Me: Okay.
H: *takes the kids and leaves for the day*
I get it, sauce, I also thicken over time.