I tell women I can’t open that jar because I have a headache.
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Those who run away from me are afraid that they might confess their love to me.
Maybe I just didn’t state this eloquently enough where’s my hammer?
*gets b̶e̶t̶t̶e̶r̶ bitter with age*
Me: I don’t think I fit into some box with a label on it.
Serial Killer: *looking disappointed* Are you sure?
Me: Mum was I adopted?
Mum: Yes, but they gave you back
If you don’t walk sideways chanting ‘crab people’ when holding tongs, we can’t be friends.
Sorry for levitating at the end of your bed all night, I just think you’re really cute
yeah i can totally shred on the guitar do you want romaine lettuce or cheese
If Usher ever worked in a theater, his nametag could be “Usher Usher.” I’m sorry for that joke but I’m actually addicted to the send button.
I crave feet in the sand, a gentle ocean breeze, the sun on my face, and two entirely new presidential candidates.
I left my Hoover in the garage and raccoons broke in and angrily destroyed it
I guess it’s true — nature abhors a vacuum
I’m 50. I thought I would have flown through a room almost horizontally shooting 2 handguns at the same time by now 😌💭
The first time I tried to repair one of my kids toys, I thought it was important that they stand back a bit, and verily, I say unto you, it was from there that they watched me superglue the skylander to my hand.
[Being murdered]
You’re on my hair
It’s hard to believe in God when every time I go to Subway the person in front of me has NO IDEA HOW SUBWAY WORKS.
You say “premarital sex” like there’s postmarital sex
My whole life I would put old bananas in the trash but when I got married I learned that first they go in the freezer to sit for a long time and then they go in the trash.
My 3 year old had a tantrum earlier and afterwards he apologized for yelling at me. When I started to hug him, he said ‘if you just did what I wanted I wouldn’t get mad.’
Same, kid. Same.
I’m not Madagascar, I’m just disappointedgascar
I had big plans to sleep in until 7, but my bladder canceled.
Me: you are chewing your food too slow son
Kid: am doing it faster in my imagination
Me: try faster in real too
Kid: it tastes better in my imagination
Do you think, in a pinch, Jim Henson ever used Kermit as an oven mitt?
Anyone want to do the laundry for me? Im exhausted. I can pay you in beanie babies or hot monkey sex.
The monkey’s name is Earl. He bites.
When beer and cheese isn’t the answer… Change the question
Radio Shack would have filed for bankruptcy years ago but they’ve been trying to do it using dial-up internet
My mom texted to say she found my younger son’s water bottle in her car and I was like, “yeah, he pretty much sheds reusable water bottles, Hot Wheels and raincoats”
*sees money in my bank account*
oh crap i must have forgotten a bill
Tried on a pair of skinny jeans and I looked like a full cereal bag that you’re trying to force back inside the box.
When a patron comes into the library the Saturday after Thanksgiving and asks “What’s the right way to cook a turkey,” I know I’m being asked not to provide practical information but rather to get involved in a heated family dispute
doctor: your system is full of drugs
patient: you should see the other guy
doctor: what other guy
patient: you can’t see him