They built a huge, ugly thought-control tower right next to my house but actually I love it so much
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My life is just like the Friends theme song if you take out all the references to having friends.
The Exorcist (1973): a child is possessed by a demon. Hilarity ensues.
Sticker placement is key.
The most important thing I learned from working at the bank is which lollipop flavor tastes the best.
Don’t talk to me, I’m sober.
Of course I’m gonna miss my husband when he goes away for the weekend in 45 hours 23 minutes and….*checks watch*….27 seconds
I even pretend not to be home for a knock-knock joke
If Disney has taught us anything it’s that if you tie enough balloons to your house, you will eventually find a dog.
I started dating a lumberjack.
He’s a handsome feller.
“Come reckon with me bro.”
-Force
I don’t listen to my voicemails because it’s none of my business what people say to when I’m not there.
If you’re having a bad day , just remember …
All of you are funnier than Dane Cook .
undercover boss: im gonna learn what it means to work the day to day jobs and stay undercover for the next few weeks
[first hour]
worker: hey man someone shit all over the bathroom u got it
undercover boss: wow u figured it out its me, The Undercover Boss
Spent two weeks with my grandmother and now I know why grandpa was a drunk
Taught my dog to shake hands and he just brokered a suspicious deal with our local union rep.
Noise-canceling headphones aren’t enough anymore. I need an emotion-canceling backpack. Existential dread-canceling cargo pants. A pair of shoes that makes me forget I exist.
How did girls text before emojis?
Hey I can’t wait to see you tonight! PARTY HAT MARTINI GLASS NOISEMAKER BEER MUG CAT DOG SUNGLASSES POOP
doctor: this may hurt
me: june doesn’t look much better
If you don’t want your kids to leave the bathroom light on all the time don’t ask them to wash their hands so much duh.
Venn
I get Grumpy when I run out of Dopey.
Geico commercials should just show pictures of Lindsay Lohan and Amanda Bynes and say “people like this are out there.”
It was to keep our furry overlords content😉
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years
Me: punching a goose in its mouth
Interviewer: you know actually we’ve already filled the position
Me: *clenches fist* was it a goose
Me: Is this something a crazy person would wear?
My mom: Well, crazy people can wear whatever they want, so…
Before pulled pork, pork just used to stand on the edge of the dance-floor, nodding to the music and looking cool.
judas: i would never betray jesus he’s the best
jesus: my favorite movie is the Minions Movie
judas: i am going to betray the son of God
Me: *trying to hock a loogie*
Pawn shop owner: I’m not giving you any money for that.
[first date with a therapist]
ME: so, tell me about myself
“and how does that make you feel?”