Kylo Ren: I am your father.
Rey: We’re roughly the same age. You’re just copying everything Vader said.
Kylo Ren: NOOOOOOOOOOO!!!
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Congrats, you’ve been selected for the job
Me: Whats the salary?
10k now and will increase to 25k later
Me: Ok then, I will come later
NEMESIS: We must fight to the death!
ME (fully aware I’m going to lose): oh thank god
[at the club]
*crawling around on the floor*
HAS ANYONE SEEN MY DIAMOND STUD MAGNETIC EARRING?
[looking for our lost son in the mall]
ME: we should split up and find him
WIFE: *serves me with divorce papers*
Dads are proud of horror movie characters never turning the lights on
I think the key to happiness is having plenty of money and then telling all the poor people that money can’t buy happiness
Store clerk: May I help you?
Me: I hope so. Sweetie go get your math homework, this nice woman is going to help us.
On vacation, I ask the concierge to stand outside the shower and ask me random questions so I can feel right at home.
she think she can manipulate me wit them crystals, girl u is not Thanos
Her: remember Jimmy Neutron?
Me: yeah, but I haven’t seen it in years
Her: what was the super hero the nerdy kid loved?
Me: ultra lord, and his name was Sheen
Her: yes, thank you. When’s my birthday?
Me:
Her: when’s my birthday Kyle
Me:
Me: happy b-
Her: it was yesterday
Two reasons you never date at work: 1. HR frowns upon it. 2. Your partner gets super pissed.
Number of times husband has insisted a puzzle piece is missing: 434
Actual puzzle pieces missing so far: 0
I got some aluminum free deodorant and baybeeee lemme tell you… I NEED all the aluminum
I forget, are you supposed to be happy when you see their exes are ugly, or worried that you might be ugly too?
I can’t be the only one worried about where spiders go in winter.
[crab overhears the words ‘crab cakes’]
*applauds with tiny crab clawed excitement* oooh cakes for crabs
[crab sees the crab cakes]
oh no. oh god no.
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
Told my friends that I was qualified to give them Botox injections. I raised a few eyebrows.
Thunder is fake. It doesn’t even sync up properly with lightning. There’s some guy who waits till he sees lightning and then he presses the thunder button.
These teenagers down at the skate park will boost my self-esteem.
HER: my dad hates puns but loves food
ME: got it
HER: dad, this my date
ME: hey papaya yam glad to meat u
HIM: *shakes then crushes my hand*
customer: have you worked here a long time
me, a waiter: 14 years sir
customer: wow ok what do you recommend
me: finishing college
For a movie called IT, there were suprisingly few computers in it
If Pepsi was smart… They would make a Coke flavor Pepsi!!!
i’m reading this thesaurus. it’s really interesting, or should i say… very interesting.
thanks auntie mary
we never drank water growing up i don’t even know how im alive right now
hey, teens who listen to classic rock: you were probably conceived to some of your favorite songs.
I’ve honestly never been more disappointed in life than when I found out that the Miami Dolphin football team was made up entirely of people
Nana said I took too much NyQuil so I laughed at her and then she turned back into a paper clip and jumped into my fave Law & Order episode.