I asked my dog to marry me and he said no. I am stuck in man’s best friendzone.
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Stop filtering your teeth on your selfies goddammit they can be seen from space
I’m trying to like people but boy oh boy do they make it hard.
*looks at calendar*
*looks at stomach*
*looks at calendar*
Guess I’m telling people I’m pregnant again this summer.
Hearing a noise as a renter: Sounds like the plumbing might be going.
Hearing a noise as a homeowner: Ghosts!
Honestly, the food pyramid seems pretty well balanced no matter what food goes on top.
Splinter: ok I’ve made some coloured disguises for you all
Donatello: to protect our identities?
Splinter: exactly Raphael
Michaelangelo: lol he’s not Raphael
Splinter: sorry you’re right Leonardo
Raphael: master, that’s not-
Splinter: just put them on please
A guy with a ponytail wearing mirrored sunglasses and camouflage pants just checked me out and winked at me. Still got it.
All movies about zombies are Easter movies because of resurrection.
“How can I waste ten seconds of someone’s time and make total strangers hate me?”
– Credit card chip inventor
– Me, writing tweets
me: hi, can you tell me which is the bride’s side?
lawyer: guests are not allowed at divorce proceedings
Shaved my legs today
RIP drain
This is Sparta
Salon: would you like to receive haircut reminder texts?
Me: no thanks. I have a mirror.
I believe:
– I can fly.
– Children are the future.
– Knowledge is power.
– I will use my powers to defeat the future children.
I cleaned the house last month and it’s already dirty again. Life is SO unfair.
EMT: [opens my shirt revealing bread covering my nipples] You faked cardiac arrest for this?
Me: Just say clear and make my grilled cheese.
[me as a passenger on the titanic]
oh ewww are there olives in this salad? YOU be quiet lillian, i swear this trip cannot possibly get worse
ME: jesus preached about the virtues of forgiveness
STUDENT LOAN SERVICER: yeah, still no
Me growing up in the countryside with a car: “it’s literally insane that I have to drive 20 minutes to see a friend. I can’t wait to move to a city”
Me in a city: “okay, 78 minutes on three trains to see someone who lives 6 miles away, that seems fine”
A child stared at me for ten minutes before he asked what that was on my face
His mum replied ‘that’s a beard’I was that kid’s first beard
If you ever see someone drinking straight from a flask in a mall food court… I wouldn’t make eye contact.
How I know this is unimportant.
Things are finally coming to a head.
~inspirational zit
*my casket slowly begins lowering into the ground*
me, knocking from inside: “Wait, I have to pee.”
Waiter: would you like another drink before I bring you the check?
Me: holy shit how bad is it?!
“Ok, what chemical symbol should we give this Gold?”
*thief runs by, steals gold*
“Hey! You!”
Au, got it. Next element.
Welcome to your 40s.
Add ‘gravity’ to your list of enemies.
how do we even know zombies only eat brains? it’s not like anyone has ever tried to offer them a hotdog or something
Her: What’d you just eat?
Me: Leftover porkchop.
Her: Ok but what’s that sauce?
Me: The sauce that you made to go with the pork chops.
Her: That’s not the sauce… I don’t know what you found in the fridge…WebMd: You’re gonna die.
Don’t mess with me man, I will put glitter on everything you love.
age 20: I was in a car accident, my ride is totaled. I won’t be into work until after lunch
age 40: I did something to my back brushing my teeth, I need to lie down for 3 weeks