My 2023 resolution to only say “Dah, who turned out the lights?” in the event that the lights have actually been turned off, and not when eg. I’ve had a large pot placed over my head or fallen into an open manhole, has already proven more difficult than I thought
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It’s called support maybe you’ve heard of I.T.
Lackadaisical: when you have misplaced your daisical.
boss: you’re fired
me: [like a movie director] CUT…CUT… ok try again but this time don’t say that
Mom, here’s a picture of my bf, he’s a musician
“That’s just the stock image that comes with the frame”
ur wrong, mom. Me and DJ 8×10 are in love
One of my boys just hit me with a “who’s all there” text so now I’m in the club taking attendance like an overwhelmed substitute teacher
Woman in grocery line: oh are you buying rice and beans for Coronavirus?
Me: No, I’m buying rice and beans because I’m Mexican.
Tennis players like to do that shout/grunt thing every time they hit the ball and it seems like a fun way to do your job so I’m gonna start doing it every time I send an email
My two year old demands that we place her floral print blanket on her shoulders and address her as “baby vampire” and read her “vampire books” (just regular peppa pig books but she’s dressed as a vampire) so I feel I’m parenting correctly
You know you’ve outstayed your welcome when a British person asks “what time’s your train?”
*loses my composure*
Weigh me now
THERAPIST: you’re always trying to make other people happy. You should focus on doing that for yourself too.
ME:
THERAPIST: ok?
Me: would that make you happy?
Remember in 90’s movies when the hot girl would enter a party in slow motion? That’s what happens when I walk in a buffet.
Dropped a peanut butter cracker and no one came running so of course my first thought was that the dogs had been raptured.
When someone asks “You know what I think?”, I say “Yes I do”. End of discussion.
Yes liquor stores are essential businesses, today it was essential that I get port to go with my cigars.
oh cool this article looks like a neat re-“JOIN OUR NEWSLETTER TO NEVER MISS OUT ON THE BEST NEWS EVER BUT FIRST DISABLE YOUR ADBLOCKER ALSO CAN WE HAVE YOUR PHONE NU-“
You need sex.
I need sex.
She needs sex.
I have an idea…
Damn it, my wife found the guy who’s been sneaking in at 11pm is the donut delivery guy. Guess I should stop pretending I’m having an affair with him.
Driving along the expressway and a truck with an open tailgate just bounced a cooler into the lane ahead of me and I didn’t even panic all those years of Mario Kart finally paid off
I miss the days before the internet, when you didn’t know some person’s every awful thought until they died and you cleaned out their attic.
My plumber found a blunt in my faucet.
No wonder my water bills are so high.#PlumbersDay
Liquidity is the only difference between soup, stew and a casserole. There, I said it.
[5:00 AM, in a harsh whisper]
Daddy, don’t worry, you can sleep. I’m making my own breakfast, how do you turn on the stove?
Me: I’m up.
My wife asked me to put ketchup on the shopping list.
Now I can’t read anything.
What is it like to be a woman in comedy? I would say it’s 1% jokes & 99% answering this question.
You kids may find it hard to believe but there was a time when a new Star Wars or Marvel movie didn’t feel like a homework assignment.
Blind Date
Me: I’ve read “The Catcher in the Rye” 5 times.
Him: I like watching Swamp People – they catch gators. What are they catching in your book?
[later on]
Him to his friend: Nah she drinks too much.
scares
Kids are like doughnuts. Sweet and yummy but more than one, maybe two, and you’re like, “What the hell have I done?”
Instead of racism or misogyny, why not hate the people who wear pyjamas and slippers to the airport?