[titanic, 1912]
Captain: what kind of lettuce do u want on your sandwich
First mate: ICEBERG
Captain: lol no need to shout, Dave
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Due to the economy, I am handing out condiment packs I have collected from my delivery orders. 🤷🏻♂️
Day 1 of being kidnapped.
Kidnappers are now offering my husband a ransom to take me back.
Husband is asking for more money.
Doctor: Do you have any allergies?
Me: Cats.
Doc: I meant allergies to medications.
Me: Do they make medications from cats?
Doc: No.
Me: Then no.
I consider sexual harrassmemt a compliment. I mean they only do it if your hot right?
do not take my piercings out for my funeral or i WILL be back
Hate when stores ban free plastic bags, they’re great for picking up dog poop. Guess I’ll find a new hobby to spend my time. Maybe get a dog
The problem with Chinese food is an hour later you feel like hacking the Pentagon again.
You may be the stupidest person I’ve ever met. And I’ve met me
I’M GONNA OWN THIS YEAR!!!
*buys goldfish
*calls it ‘This Year’.
CABLE COMPANY: Someone will be there between 6:30 am and 9:45 pm.
ME: That’s pretty vague.
CC: Oh, sorry. It’ll be a cable TV installer.
Me: She really needs to calm down.
Alcohol: You should tell her.
“An apple a day takes Billion Dollars away” ~ Samsung
I often find myself singing in the shower, which can be extremely frightening. Is he a clone!? What is this place! SOMEBODY HELP ME.
My girlfriend asked if she killed someone would I help her dispose of the body and I said no and she said, “You wouldn’t lie to the cops to keep me out of prison??” And I had misunderstood the question because I’d be happy to lie to the cops I just didn’t want to carry stuff.
I will continue putting this peanut butter on the wrong side of each saltine until my demands are met.
The guy who made my sandwiches told me Have Fun as he handed them to me. Not sure what he thinks I was gonna do wit them
Oh you love your mom’s cooking? Name 4 of her dishes.
*6 missed calls*
*5 missed facetime*
*8 unread messages*
Grilled cheese is named after its creator, Grilliam Cheeseford Jr.
Rich people don’t understand cereal
If love didn’t hurt, it wouldn’t be called love…it would be called tacos.
Interviewer: “Do you consider yourself a punctual person?”
Me: “I was born three months premature.”
If you can name four Metallica songs, you are in Metallica.
oh u like history? name everything that happened
I am SO DONE WITH MEN. Most of them, anyway. At least one of them. I am SO DONE WITH AT LEAST ONE OF THE MEN.
[dog dies in a movie]
Me: *crying*[human dies in a movie]
Me: *crying* why did they have to kill that dog earlier
Writers of crime show blurbs are lazy. “She was missing and then her case took a shocking turn.”
It’s not shocking. I’m watching a show with murder in the title. I’d be shocked if she grew a third arm and joined the circus, but I’m fairly confident I know what’s up.
sure, I’m hype for tekken because video game but I’m also here for the soundtrack
This is a true ally.
Texting while driving is incredibly stupid and dangerous. You’re practically begging for typos.