Denied candy because I “didn’t wear red”. Kicked out of the office because I “didn’t wear pants”. I’m tired of these Valentine’s Day rules.
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Called in telepathically this morning, so they know I’m thinking of them.
[ walking down the soap and detergent isle at the store ]
14: it smells like chores in here
How long do you wait before you introduce your girlfriend to your child? For arguments sake let’s say you’ve been dating for 3 years and the child is 6 weeks old.
Parenting tip: from now on, buy only spaghetti-sauce colored clothes.
Hear me out:
Instead of The Bachelor giving out roses to the women, he gives them each a roll of toilet paper.
This is where we’re at, people.
Parents *before their kids performance*: Here, snort these four lines of organic sugar
Pro-tip for you non-anxious folks out there, if you’re gonna shoot someone a “Hey can we talk” message, for the love of God include what you want to talk about
Fidel Castro was alive?
[finishing last sip of wine]
waiter: would you like another glass?
me: no just refill this one
Tried using a time machine to go back to my wedding day & talk some sense into a much younger me, but I got the date wrong.
PAROLE BOARD: And what would you do if released?
ME: Crimes.
PB: Excuse me?
ME: *leans into mic* RHYMES. I’M SUPER INTO POETRY NOW.
Can u imagine getting married and having a family and staying in love until u die, then waiting in the afterlife for your wife to join you and she finally dies and ditches u for a dude she knew for three days on a boat instead?? Anyway I’d give Titanic a 9/10
My husband: Can I ask a really stupid question
Me: More than anyone I know
[hawaii]
me: aloha!
my girlfriend: we need to talk, i think we should break up
me [tears in my eyes]: then i guess this is aloha
SO AFTER I CAUGHT HER CHEATING ON ME I WANTED TO JUMP OUT OF A PLANE AND DIE. ANYWAY MY NAME’S TOM AND I’LL BE YOUR TANDEM PARACHUTE PARTNER
Earth is huge. There must be like 9 or 10 different countries on this thing.
A bug on my hood as I’m leaving the driveway. Suddenly I’m the nameless adult in a Disney movie ferrying him away from all he’s ever known.
If pronouncing my b’s as v’s makes me sound Russian, then soviet.
If you’ve had a lightsaber pointed at you while you were on the toilet you may be a parent …or your life is way more interesting than mine
Incase you didn’t hear the look I just gave you,
Shut up.
I avoid clarified butter because I prefer my dairy products to be troubled and confused.
WIFE: My favorite jeans are too tight now.
ME: That sucks.
WIFE: You must have shrunk them in the wash.
ME: But, they weren’t even in the laun-
WIFE: …
ME: You’re right, I’m sorry.
Oh no, my kid got upset at me and locked himself in his room. What ever will I do. Margarita anyone?
a human soul weights about 1.5 lbs. I know this because I weighed myself before and after I got to work today
Boss made me put a nametag over my left bosom. I leaned over and said, “Now, what shall we name the other one?”
Every time “Cops” comes on I’m like “PLEASE don’t show my episode.”
As a millennial, most people assume I am desperate for praise, but the secret is: I would be totally fine with money.
God: you’re man’s best friend
Dog: OMG! Love it!
God: yup
Dog: dynamic duo, partners in crime!
God: well..
Dog: two of a kind, 50/50! we make decisions together!
God: you live in a kennel in the yard
Dog: what
[Limbo contest]
Everyone: *Chanting* How low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog
My kid brought home a school fundraiser packet in case anyone wants a $43 roll of wrapping paper or an $80 candle.