[Phone]
Boss: You haven’t been in work all week!Me: I’ve told you, I always take this week off for religious reasons
Boss *gritted teeth* and I’ve told you, “sharks” is not a religion
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Truthful Tuesday. I don’t understand string theory or open faced sandwiches.
Trying to keep the riff raff away.
House is a mess … Walked in the other day and there were 2 people on the couch blindfolded and filming a Fabreeze commercial
I don’t gamble. I don’t do drugs.
I guess my only real vice is Twitter. Well, that and lying about gambling & drugs.
I fart in church so I can sit in my own pew.
Sophomore year I called my mom excited to tell her I had declared my majors. Me: “I’m gonna double major in drama & sociology” Her: “Drama & sociology?! Whatcha gonna do with THAT ACT LIKE YOU’RE HELPING PEOPLE” 🤷🏾♀️😂
Doctor: [puts my arm in a sling]
Me: wait—
Doctor: [fires my arm out the window]
Me: wtf
Doctor: [shouting out the window] next time it’s a leg STAY OUT OF MY PARKING SPACE
Even before the internet, I always had a little side chat going on in my head.
My issue with Jeopardy is that you never get the sense that the contestants are in any real danger
“I want the box where I poop to smell like my poop or else I won’t want to poop there. Whoa whoa, not THAT much like my poop! Jesus!” – cats
If there was any question as to what kind of teenager my 7yo will be, last night she pulled out a toy cellphone and started pretend texting during her own bedtime story
I never answer my door because it’s always someone trying to get me to switch to Verizon or someone trying to get me to switch to God and I’m not interested in either of those services
But I’m the good kind of abomination, right???
I have a recording saved on my phone that it to be sent to my boss the day after I die. All I say is “So, you aren’t going to believe this but I’m going to be late.”
Yesterday I wanted a pizza. Today I’m eating one.
Fight for your dreams.
I’ll bet Medusa never got mosquito bites.
The Shawshank Redemption but it’s just me tunneling from my office to the break room so I don’t have to talk to my boss.
When 8 wakes up in the middle of the night and comes looking for me, he’ll curl up next to me and sweetly say “mom, I found you!”. It’s difficult to be upset with him for waking me up.
Difficult, not impossible
My daughter actually submitted this feedback at school. Not sure if I should ground her or buy her ice cream…
Wooden toothpicks are great for when you have something stuck in your teeth but you also want something else stuck in your teeth
I’ll take a Friday the 13th over a Monday the 13th every single time.
cashier: would you like to donate to help fight kids—
me: lemme stop you right there. yes
As a mother, I knew one day I would have to deal with the issue of bullying. I just didn’t think it would happen so soon and to my fish.
Going commando is the closest I’ll ever get to joining the army.
I used to think my mother in law liked me but then she bought our 11 year old a learn to play harmonica kit for his birthday
me: jesus, all i have in the cupboard is two tins of tuna fish, an expired box of jello, and egg noodles
1950’s cookbook author’s ghost, calling from hell: well well well, not so high and mighty now, are we?
“Fluffy died today”
“Oh my god I’m so sorry, was he a cat or dog?
“He was a boa constrictor”
“Well that made me feel better”
Forgot my wallet at home & filled up at the gas station so I have to leave some collateral. Not leaving my phone there so 4 year old it is.