what did president abe lincoln call his journal?
…his lincoln logs
You Might Also Like
Somewhere a village is missing its idiot.
I guess what I’m trying to say is, I can’t remember where I live.
dont put all your eggs in one basket, put them in the little egg tray in the fridge thats what its for you idiot
Me: I set a record for the rope climb in high school.
4-year-old: You climbed it the fastest?
My wife: He cried the most.
Netflix documentaries convinced me I should be vegan. So I did what any American would do. I bought some bacon and canceled Netflix.
Me
At 18: hoping for world peace
At 48: hoping my wife laughs at the meme I show her
My mom remembers exactly what she was doing when Elvis died but can’t remember my name half the time, my birthday, or who my dad is.
Lional Richie let the world know that he played no active role in raising babies or toddlers when he released the song, “Easy Like Sunday morning.”
good cop: we’ve located the explosives
cop who loves eminem: now this looks like a bomb to me so everybody / stay calm for me
*yells from space*
Did you kill that spider?!
sorrey im bad with names. im also bad with faces,, i put my grandma in a headlock, thinking she was the kid that stole my bike in 3rd grade
Fun Fact: When you die, someone will feel inconvenienced that your funeral is on a particular day. lol
me: where can I find shovels and toilet paper?
clerk: going camping?
me: no
My cat caught me watching cat videos on the Internet so we now have a shared Twitter and Facebook account.
Not to brag, but my kid asked me to guess an animal that starts with “komodo dra-” and I got it in one try
me: my pasta salad is cold
waiter: it’s meant to be
me: I think you’re cute too but let’s get this pasta problem figured out first
On my way into the gym, I quietly drop my empty Reese’s Pieces box into the trash can. My commitment to healthy living remains steadfast.
I’m always two drinks away from digging up my backyard to look for dinosaur bones
I wanted to have sex with Uma Thurman until I saw her toes in Kill Bill.
When I was a kid I never understood why my aunt had a cartoon sunflower on her sliding glass door until the day she took it off and I broke my nose
I’d hang this in my house.
What I said: please stop letting flies in.
What my kids heard: go in and out the door every 23 seconds and don’t close it behind you.
why is it called “free time” when i use it to spend all my money
My son got this balloon on Valentine’s Day. He accidentally let go & it floated to the ceiling. Days later it was still up there. I said, “be patient, it will come down” but he didn’t believe me. “If it comes down I get an iPad!” he said. I agreed. Then I glued it to the ceiling.
Me: So, what are your thoughts?
Therapist: Well, I think you may have some boundary issues.
Me: [In his lap] Are you saying I’m fat?!
Woody: lol u guys! u guys. come hear this shit
Buzz:
Woody: say it again
Buzz: [sighs] to infinity and beyond
Mr. Potatohead: lmao “AnD bEyOnD” does he not understand what infinity means
what if cobwebs were delicious?
– cotton candy inventor
A very busty woman whispers to me “I want you to tell me if these look real” my eyes widen, then she takes out pictures of the moon landing
Does anybody know what the word ‘delegate’ means? (Asking for a friend)
The loudness of the sound made by setting a plate in the sink is directly proportional to the number of sleeping people you are trying not to wake.
her: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i always butt into other people’s conversations
him: who ar- wait what