ME: What’s this about?
SECRET SERVICE: We can’t tell you
ME: I can take it
SS: *whispers* Your parents didn’t take your dog to a farm
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*lights a joint*
Woah, fire! Ow! My elbow!
I was pretty sure I spotted Ted Danson last night. Not doing much, just Danson in the streets
I’ll take all that stuff you’re giving up for lent.
just once i’d like to lay in bed nude and drink a cup of tea without an art class trying to paint my portrait
Him: Send me a shower pic
Me:
One of the perks of marriage is having someone around to let you know which normal things from your childhood were actually very very weird
Marriage is like Disneyland. Magical at first but then you realize that there’s someone else in the Mickey suit.
Apparently I have to stop yelling ‘dear god why do bad things always happen to good people’ every time my mil walks through the door
Cop: Why did you burn that building down?
Me: Because they keep sending emails after unsubscribing.
Cop: You’re free to go.
My Grandma saw all of your tweets about stepping on Legos & asked if any of you cream puffs have ever heard of a game called Jacks?
It’s pretty awesome that everyone at Chuck E Cheese knows me by name, even if it is because they banned me from coming back
real
what I love in every old-timey photo of women dressing up their cats is how peeved the cats look
Unable to stop their phones and washing machines from exploding, Samsung announced today they’re changing their name to the ACME Corp.
me: [has anything]
my cat: were you going to sit on the rest of that
All of these people are screaming like they’ve never seen someone revving a chainsaw on a public beach.
Truthfully officer, I wouldn’t have pulled over, if I known all you were gonna do is complain about my driving..
Wife just fell off the bed and I laughed so hard that I’ll be sleeping on the couch tonight.
Me: finally drifting off to sleep
The alarm: you’re not gonna believe this
I know my kids moved back to school by my credit card alerts
I am delighted to announce that endless online arguing is saving humanity
The fastest land animal is me when I’m upstairs and hear my dog about to throw up in the living room
Shake up a random soda pop in the company fridge today. You deserve it.
Kept nodding off at an estate auction and bought a garden gnome for 3 million dollars.
I got sunburned at the beach and now my husband won’t listen to anything I say because he doesn’t “take advice from tomatoes.”
boss: i need u to reschedule our meeting to 10am
me: [reschedules meeting to 10am]
boss: [declines]
Quick! I’m doing my taxes. Is it normal to get $76,000 back when you make $60,000?
My husband at 3 AM: What’s that noise? What’s that noise? What’s THAT noise? I can’t sleep.
My husband when I’m talking to him, in his ear, with a megaphone: What? Sorry, I didn’t hear you.
Fun prank – this Christmas leave a charred skeleton wearing a Santa hat in the fire place for your kids to find.
I’m tired of explaining myself. Someone else do it for me.