When you’re 8 and show up in an ugly rubber witch mask to trick or treat with your friends and they’re all dressed up as pretty princesses.
That’s me in a nutshell.
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WIFE: [trying to distract our crying baby] give him your car keys
ME: good idea! [hopeful] you think he’ll drive away?
[ first day as a villain ]
him: hi, how are you
me: very evil, thank you
Him: Wanna go out with me tonight?
Me: Let me ask my mom
Him: Wtf?! You’re in your 40’s!
Me: She said no
commiting a crime and pretending to be a witness so i can get the police sketch artist to draw my oc for free
Don’t be scared of a snake. It’s just a slimey, conscious rope that is evil and can kill you.
No one:
Absolutely no one:
Alexa: I’ve found one zoo near you with monkeys.
My daughter found my twitter. I have just one thing to say – clean your room.
Her)What that mouth do?
Me)Usually get me in trouble
Her: You’re always teaching the kids how to use things improperly!
Me [flattens out a piece of lettuce, takes my writing ham out of the tackle box]: Go on…
I have unresolved anger issues with all the pistachio nuts I ever failed to open.
Art teacher: you were supposed to paint a tree
Rorschach: I did
ME: …but it’s dairy-free
WIFE: I don’t care, I’m not calling it “peanut margarine”
Pessimist: it’s half empty
Optimist: it’s half full
Me, taking huge sip: is there half a sandwich too?
Men, start giving your partners more inventive compliments. “You have the sort of face that a Victorian novelist would describe as amiable.” “You could play Tony Blair’s wife in a movie starring Timothee Chalamet.” Try it!
knights of the ikea table
my dad: in the end. i hope people don’t even notice i was here
me: i hate camping too
The most rewarding part of having a teenage daughter is having someone who looks exactly like you, acts just like you but who also finds everything about you absolutely repulsive
I’m not looking for a TC, I’m looking for someone with a woodchipper who doesn’t ask questions.
*names my little horse OneTrick*
I see my dentist every six months to make sure my records are up to date for body identification.
My circle of trust is a meatball
Thursday, 4:01pm
“Still there.”
“Yep.”
“Looks blue.”
“It certainly does.”
“Wet too.”
“Totally.”
“See you next week?”
“Count on it.”
There’s so much spilled soda, popcorn and candy in here my feet are sticking to the floor. I’d complain to the management except this is my apartment.
‘Let’s just agree to disagree.’
-Me, saying grace at the dinner table.
The advantage of being an adult is that I can totally do whatever I want. Unless it interferes with my kids’ school or swim practice or homework or when they fight or when they’re hungry or tired.
What’s the normal amount of pall bearers for a hamster’s funeral?
My husband said he wants a blowie for his birthday. I don’t know what he’ll do with this snow blower in summertime…luckily it was on sale.
[Dragging 3 whining kids through mall] No thank you, mall kiosk employee, I’m not interested in trying “something amazing for my hair.”
If the shoe fits, wear it. And if these shoes belong to someone else, walk away briskly.
Is age 14 too old to leave your kid on a doorstep?