i know how hard it must have been for my parents to tell me there was no santa because i just had to tell my parents there’s no jesus
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Mother’s Day is like the Purge for moms. We can literally do whatever we want for 24 hours.
There are 2 types of buyers in me:
1.immediately tracks package I ordered 5 minutes ago
2.turns over package from doorstep WHAT THE HELL DID I ORDER??
The horror. The apostrophe’s.
If you are worried about getting a double chin, do not, I repeat do not fold a beach towel in front of the mirror.
been a while since romaine lettuce has tried to kill us.
I’ve been using the Netflix account of an ex for half a decade. We broke up in 2010 & in 2017 I got a text out of nowhere that said, “Do you watch anything that isn’t about death??” No. No I do not.
Why do buses and trains cost money, like you’re going that way anyway give us a lift g
If you’re ever intimidated by someone just imagine them opening a capri sun
My days of chasing men over. I’m all about chasing food trucks now.
HR: No. 1 asset u would bring to Verizon customer support?
Applicant: Integrity
HR: Seriously?
A: No.
HR: Hired!
Are dinosaurs finished evolving into birds yet? Or will they become even birdier?
This dude forgot to put tomatoes on my sandwich. Thanks, “artist”. Now I have nothing to pick off.
Has anyone tried cutting the pandemic with a knife to make sure it isn’t actually an illusion cake?
I’m always fascinated when people in movies run from a madman and then hide and hold their breath. Sometimes I snort for air and get a little sweaty while reaching for a puzzle piece that’s juuuuust out of reach across the table.
I wonder what the rest of this day has in store because I just spent 30 seconds looking for my car keys while sitting in my car with the engine running.
It’s so disorienting to eat a shrimp and gain it’s memories
triscuits are the perfect snack for anyone who has ever wanted to eat wicker furniture
Fox News knows we can google stuff, right?
Why do Swedish warships have bar codes on the sides?
So that when they return to port, they can Scandinavian.
I’m about to get my 5yo her own phone just so she’ll stop screwing up my YouTube algorithm
*returns tent to Target*
CASHIER: What was the problem?
ME: The packing implied that there would be a family that loves me inside the tent
1-year-old: *screeches*
3-year-old: *screeches back*
Me: What’s wrong?
3: We’re dinosaurs
I had to ban pterodactyls fights in the house.
I lost my virginity once, I know I can do it again.
Jesus: One among you will betray me.
John: No way dude.
Matthew: No way dude.
Judas: *thumbing through designer cross catalogue* Plausible.
If it wasn’t for google photos I wouldn’t be reminded my husband has been wearing the same 3 shirts in rotation for 15 years.
І never thought І wouId say thіs, and іt took me a whіle to come to terms, but І thіnk І ate too much bacon.
After several Steven Segal films in a row, you’d think bad guys would know to avoid rooms that contain both him & a PoolTable
It’s complicated.
-My response when someone asks if they can have one of my beers.
I got asked for nudes once and I was like, “No, I’m married.” And he was like, “Yeah, I know. I’m your husband.”
North Korea is like that annoying kid in high school who was always threatening you with nuclear weapons