Google maps is like, “in 8.4 miles, stay on the road you’re on.”
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[on a test drive]
Me: Haha the heated seat feels like I peed my pants!
Dealer: This car doesn’t have heated seats.
Me: Does it have napkins?
When there’s a police car behind you with their lights flashing…
It means speed up, right?
My daily affirmation
Paying the internet $4.99 to take an IQ test is you failing the test.
He told me to come dressed to kill for our first date…
I now realise my Freddie Krueger outfit was not what he had in mind
Could you imagine being the Secret Service agent that blocked a bullet for Donald Trump, 20 years later? You wouldn’t tell anyone.
Trains are just sideway elevators.
I mean I’m over it but I’m definitely going to bring it up again after a couple drinks
I thought I liked salads…turns out, I like croutons and ranch dressing.
Me: I love you
Wife: I will testify against you if required
Anime is real
I asked my boyfriend what he wanted for his birthday and he said 20 dollars
That face-melting Nazi guy in ‘Raiders of the Lost Ark’ but it’s just my makeup the second I step outside in the summer.
God: you’re a mosquito.
Mosquito: what does that mean?
God: you feed on blood.
Mosquito: i’m a vampire?
God: no.
Mosquito: oh.
God: you can fly.
Mosquito: i’m a vampire!
God: no.
Mosquito: oh.
God: garlic repels you.
Mosquito: [happy gasp] i’m an itty-bitty vampire!
When the horse rides back into camp without the rider, it’s never good news, but no one ever suspects the horse.
I bet Morgan Freeman’s book reports were epic.
I have decided to leave my past behind me.. so If I owe you money..I’m sorry. but I’ve moved on.
20 years ago my Dad went out to buy a pack of Camels
…and now he’s the most successful camel breeder in Europe.
[eating paste]
Here’s what I think…
History is written by the victors. That’s why I only trust historians who are cool and good looking. If someone seems like a loser they’re probably not writing real history.
Cute skinny girls wearing weird mismatched clothes: hot quirky hipsters
Me wearing weird mismatched clothes: homeless lady from the 80s
After days stranded at sea on the edge of starvation, my 4yo is rescued & given bread:
“This has seeds on it,” she scoffs, pushing it away.
For 21 years i wasnt allowed to sit on the arm of my aunties couch, today my auntie gave me that couch. Here are the pictures she recieved
that little alien would be worth a lot more if it was in the original box, always keep the box for stuff like that
What I said: please stop letting flies in.
What my kids heard: go in and out the door every 23 seconds and don’t close it behind you.
Stranger adds me to facebook
*has a panic attack*Creepy as hell stranger follows on twitter
*does victory dance*
When you’ve brought up your child to be kind and never take sides.
Husband: Who’s fatter – mummy or daddy?
Miss 8: You both are.
Try explaining to your kid why you’re taking a bath with a cucumber then come talk to me about your problems.
My husband isn’t drinking while he trains for a marathon. There’s all this pressure on me to be supportive, so, reluctantly, I’m now drinking for both of us.
Waiter: how did u find your meal
Me: *sweating* i…i looked down