[at funeral] You really had to see him live
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Movies show people kissing in the rain but I want a guy who’ll run out there and get the cushions off the porch chairs when the weather starts kicking up.
Priest: I want to teach you about a higher power
Kid: my dad?
Priest: haha no, even more powerful
Kid *nodding* mom
I thought I was experiencing early menopause but it turned out one of my kids set the thermostat to 87°.
Denied candy because I “didn’t wear red”. Kicked out of the office because I “didn’t wear pants”. I’m tired of these Valentine’s Day rules.
I forgot my glasses so I pointed to a random spot on the menu and now I’m hoping for the best
The heat has gotten so bad on the East Coast that it’s now routine to see large men wiping their brows with slightly smaller, drier men.
The kids are in bed
It isn’t that late
But now I will pay
For all that I ate
On my flight to Montreal, the 20 something sitting next to me passed on her in flight snacks. I don’t understand this generation.
They told me it was love at first sight during their divorce proceedings.
– Reasons why I drink
Forgot to do laundry again. I bet everyone at work is going to love my prom dress.
Science tip: you can distinguish an alligator from a crocodile by paying attention to whether the animal sees you later or in a while.
[after seeing a sign for pet fencing] omg imagine the little swords
If you’re gonna get on Mastodon, I would like to apologise in advance for being the guy responsible for posts being called “Toots”. I thought it was funny. And it is, and it’s even funnier that some people hate it. I take it back, I’m not sorry. Ha ha. Toots.
As a seasoned negotiator, I’ve created a complex list of demands that my children must complete before I’ll buy myself a foosball table. I mean buy them a foosball table
Since finding a huge spider in my slipper I now keep em on a chair cuz my little brain decided spiders don’t like chairs.
[movie trailer]
IN A WORLD OF ANIMAL NOISES
*distant oinks and moo’s*
ONE OLD MAN KNEW THEM ALL
*dramatic music*
BUT BEFORE HE WAS A MAN
*slow piano music*
BEFORE HE HAD A FARM
*flying shot of rolling hills*
HE WAS…
*extreme close up*
YOUNG MACDONALD
[coming soon]
They don’t tell you that it is perfectly legal to swim out into the ocean, grab whatever fish you can, & eat it on the way back
My next door neighbor has been knocking on my front door for hours.
Does she really think I am going to let her leave?
A few years ago I accidentally left one of my kids at the Alamo. It wasn’t too bad, it was less than 20 minutes when we realized. The problem is now, at 17, anytime she wants something she says, “REMEMBER THE ALAMO?” and my mom guilt takes over and she gets whatever she wants.
Promised myself that today I wouldn’t steal anything, kill anyone or use any Meatloaf song lyrics in a sentence & two out of three ain’t bad
#1: Too many people still answer the phone like they don’t know who’s calling.
May just keep repeating the phrase “YOU DO YOU” to my coworkers until one of them sucker punches me.
Maybe she was just being paranoid, but Wendy couldn’t help feeling that she was being monitored.
A lot of people don’t know this but if you’re turned into a vampire you don’t actually get a vampire name.
Some of you will just be Gary the Vampire
LOIS: look! up in the sky!
JIMMY: it’s a bird! it’s a plane!
BABY: *opens wide*
no of course i don’t laugh at my own jokes. i also cook food i’m allergic to and buy clothes that make me look like shit
Good news, everyone. I was robbed last night. But I confronted the robber and he agreed to set up a joint robbery task force with me.
I just ruined my 5 year olds’ entire life by using the wrong shade of yellow for the sun
Yay parenting
My husband sent me a text that said…I love you, but have something gross to tell you. I can tell it’s going to be terribly romantic.