Me: Is there anyone who is dead to me right now that wants to talk?
Him: I’m right here!
Me, moving planchette across Ouija board: I M S O R R Y
Him: That’s not what I said
Me, moving planchete:
I W A S W R O N G
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Therapist: ‘Strange. Weird. Odd.’
Me: ‘Am I paying for this?’
It’s password awareness Friday.
Today I offer free consulting.
Send me a password and I tell you if it’s strong.
I’ve been making my own bread every single day for two weeks now and I finally understand why people always look so miserable in historic photos.
Sorry I referred to your one-night-stand as “the nakey mistakey”.
“Dude, we should swap spacesuits. Just for a laugh.”
“Ha, yeah ok.”
[swaps suits]
“Now we sh-”
“You took a shit in this, didn’t you?”
just saw hunger games and woah, when did all that stuff happen? so messed up dude
[first day working at the pizzeria]
Me [cheeks full like a hamster]: boss, we’ve run out of everything
speed dating but it’s just me changing tables at a restaurant every few minutes trying a bite of everyone’s food
Imagine you get murdered and some girl skips your episode of forensic files because it’s boring.
My coworker had a baby. I had a BLT. I think we all know who the real winner is
yes, I did pass these out on my last family vacation.
Let me get this straight: Rumpelstiltskin gives you a ton of gold, saves your life, AND takes your first born off your hands and he’s a bad guy?
My hometown is so charming. Everyone’s got the spirit animal of gum stuck under the diner table
Your outfit says you work in an office, but your shoes say it might have a pole in it
Stop saying da Vinci invented the helicopter. He invented the sky corkscrew and it was ridiculous.
[Blue whale documentary]
This monster can eat 40 million fish in a day.Whale looking directly into the camera: Yeah I’m kind of a foodie.
Using the phrase “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger,” only shows that you’re unoriginal and know nothing about spinal cord injuries.
[steps on scale]
Me *shrugs*: New year, more me
I’m trying to explain to my mother how to get pictures off her phone, while we’re on the phone, and everything is awful.
I cut a beanbag chair open on our neighbor’s lawn. Watching him try to clean it up will be my entertainment for the day.
“Opening a llama acting school called ‘Save the Drama for your Llama.”
“No, I mean where do you see yourself in 5 years with this job?”
An older woman in front of me demanded her drink get remade because her barista was Asian.
When I tried to inform her how irrational that request was, she turned and sneered, “are YOU Chinese?”
I replied, “no, but your ugly-ass knockoff purse is.”
Shut your racist asses up.
Robocop seems pretty cocky for a guy that can’t swim.
Today I did a task I have been dreading for about a month, it took 30 minutes and it was fine.
…. I have learned nothing.
[talking with ex]
Me: Is he more boring than me?
Her: He is.
Me: *devastated* How could you?
This day in history. 1965. The Who’s equipment van was stolen while they were inside the Battersea Dogs Home choosing a dog to guard their van.
Juliet: you know it’s true love, when you finish each other’s-
Romeo: LIFE
Juliet: [sighs all annoyed] like why do you say shit like that?
Keep your friends close and your friends that give away large sums of cash as a gift even closer.
Pro tip: Doing the worm into your bosses office makes him forget what he wanted to yell at you about
Drama Llama is what they dubbed me in college. Not because of my theatrics, I earned the name by spitting.