Fly restaurant:
Waiter, there’s a man in my soup
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‘All of me, loves all of you’
– John Legend.‘Some of me, loves some of you’
– John Average.
Alexa, show me where it all went wrong.
Not to brag, but my son’s principal hasn’t called today.
I peel my underwear off as you watch me & then hand it to you,
Smiling
You know what’s coming next..
It’s your turn to do the laundry
Wtf neighbor I waved to you last week
A guy just tried to mansplain me what a sawhorse is but I shut him down because I am well aware that it’s the past tense of seahorse! Ok, thanksbuhbye.
One of my biggest talents is taking hundreds of screenshots that I swear I’ll need, but I never look at them again.
Sorry I looked completely surprised that your baby didn’t burst into flames when I chanted The Power Of Christ Compels You.
“Good choices” – guy at the liquor store
Moms 2007: I don’t know why you text LOL when you aren’t literally laughing
Moms 2017: Cry face emoji, clapping hands, three monkeys
“Everything else tastes like us. Why do we need to die?” -chickens
Some people can fast for a day or two and remain peaceful.
I go 3 hours without eating and I’m yelling at dust.
Good cop “If you confess maybe we can cut you some sort of deal…”
Crab cop *walks sideways off the table*
It’d be ironic if deaf people hung out in heards.
At the play museum it was fun showing my kids the toys I used to play with, that is until my tween kept calling them artifacts.
A walk in the woods helps me relax and release tension.
The fact that I’m dragging a body behind me should be irrelevant
Police: Cover me
Rookie: ok [pulls out guitar] Every little thing she does is magic
Her: I thought you said you were ordering spicy food.
Me, choking on 14 churros: CINNAMON’S A SPICE
Inventing The Octopus-
God: *watching humans freak out over spiders on land* Hey you know what would be HILARIOUS…?
The computer beat me in chess so I’m downloading viruses
School taught me fractions like if you’re on your third fifth of whiskey you haven’t even had a full whiskey yet
*Husband forgets to close screen on door*
*4 hrs later*
Me: *feels furriness on my leg in bed*
*rolls over*
Squirrel: *stares*
Son: Mom fell thru the ice!
Dad: Grab a new box of cereal!
*Opens bottom of box*
Mom [bursting through ice]: WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?
IF A CAN OPENER DOESN’T WORK IS IT CALLED A CAN’T OPENER
Me: Why aren’t you in bed?
5: I need smooth jazz.
Me: Uh what?
5: I NEED YOU TO PLAY ME SMOOTH JAZZ!
BARTENDER: how do you take it?
ME: personally
Critics are raving about Mud. “It’s like dirt but wet” says one. “Oh god it’s in my eyes” says another
When reading a friend’s work, always remember, it’s helpful to give brutally honest notes, especially if you have too many friends.
her, deep in thought: *does that cute thing where she puts the tip of the frames of her glasses in her mouth*
me, deeper in thought: *eats my glasses*