“Are you submissive? 😏”
No, I’m off my meds with nothing left to lose
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I canceled my plans to go swimming because it was threatening to rain. I was OK with getting wet but only on my terms.
Asked a guy in the garden area of Home Depot if he had anything that won’t die.
He replied: My Mother-in-law!
We fist bumped.
Nervously, I close the bag. “No way,” I tell myself. “It’s not like she’s gonna count the fries.” I start to sweat.
[dating profile]
Body sculpted by Michelangelo.
The turtle. Not the David dude.
Serious enquiries only.
ᴮʳᶦⁿᵍ ʸᵒᵘʳ ᵒʷⁿ ᵖᶦᶻᶻᵃ.
My son, in the restaurant: “Mom! If you don’t stop dancing to Despacito I’m literally going to drink and drive, and I don’t have a license yet.”
Me: I know something we can do tonight 😉
My husband: You superglued your eye shut again and I need to drive you to the ER
Me: yeah ;(
Every Scooby Doo episode would literally be 2 minutes long if the gang went to the mask store 1st & asked a few questions.
When I worked at a bookstore, I learned that when an author like Dean Koontz signs his books, their resale value goes up.
I also learned that when an author like Stephen King signs Dean Koontz’s books, the price goes even higher and that Dean Koontz is not amused by this.
Imagine if Spiders could Breakdance
Todays yoga pose is Downward Spiral.
Good night cop: Want the light on or off? Sweet dreams kiddo.
Bad night cop: You will go to sleep or I will put you to sleep.
Just tried to put my seatbelt on.
AT MY DESK.
I’m pretty.
I hate it when I go to clean my daughters room & I emerge 3 hours later having just finished a delightful tea party with a giraffe & a pony.
Whoever invented popcorn deserves the Medal of Honor for not panicking after the first 45 seconds.
[car dealership]
“it’s just like walking, except now you have to move your mass AND this 2,000lb vehicle.”
fred flintstone: i’ll take it!
How to lose an argument with an idiot – 1 Argue.
KID: Why’s the sky blue
DAD: It’s sad
MOM: Light refraction
DAD: …
MOM: …
DAD: (*mumbling*) light refraction
ME: *flipping over a saltine like a Tarot card* Oh that’s not good.
Who cares if you have regrets on your death bed. You’re about to die. I have regret everyday and have like another 40 years of this garbage
I like to creep around my home and act like a goblin
Wanna know what’s cold? An airplane toilet seat at 30,000 feet.
Wanna know what’s colder? The stare of the person exiting the restroom after you.
Crashed my car reading a billboard that said “don’t text and drive”
How all things should be taught/explained.
Fight
*starts the “Fight Fight Fight” chant in the background of the conference call as two people argue*
I talk a lot of shit for someone who just had a sexy dream about a grilled cheese sandwich
I’m supposed to be afraid of you because you are a twitter badass? What are you going to do, caps lock me?
I put basketball in my Apple Watch Fitness and it asked me to update my will.
Assorted bandaid box-
3 in a size you need
12 you can make work
35 round to weigh box down
Puts fitbit on dogs collar. Throws the ball around. Sits on the couch and eat chips. Wins all the challenges