you begin to tell your eye doctor that you’ve been seeing “floaters” when he gets a strange look on his face and begins to rise
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Someone in one of the screen rooms at my theatre was eating pepperoni and I can’t tell if I’m repulsed by the smell or impressed by the audacity.
If money can’t buy happiness what do you pay a hitman with?
Remember when we thought 2016 was a terrible year and wanted it to be over?
Good times.
in the 80s you solved everything with dancing. street fight? dance. parents throw you out of the house? dance. a demonic presence that has surfaced from the bowels of hell as a result of a seance gone wrong? dance.
Does anyone else bring a bag of clever disguises to the grocery store in case there’s a wine sampling booth that day?
[at job interview]
It says here that you are very hands on.
Yes, sir, I am.
Can you give me an example of this?
*gently caresses his face*
THEM: I have a story about that person. Someday when I’m drunk enough, I’ll tell you.
ME: [pulls bottle of wine from purse] Let’s do this.
look. life is bad. evryones sad. we’re all gona die. but i alredy bought this inflatable boumcy castle so r u gona take ur shoes off or wat
Cop cars aren’t very intimidating. Add a crazy plow covered in blood, an anarchy symbol and spinning saw blades and I’ll stop in a heartbeat
Yeah sex is great, but have you ever rubbed your eyes for a really long time? O. M. G.
ME: u know what they say, drink with one eye open
WIFE: they don’t say that, you’re drunk
ME: *closes other eye* it is very dark in here
About to shave my legs let me know if anyone is interested in buying extensions
I’m not ashamed of my past. Well, except for that time I used the word snazzy.
I can’t believe someone had the audacity to tell ME *gestures wildly at self* that I’m dramatic
Me: I have lots of black pants because they are so versatile and go with everything.
Also, me: I cannot wear that yellow shirt with black pants because I will look like a bumble bee.
The biggest mystery of our time
Ok, so we’ve already made them resistant to reason and with an absolute disregard for their own safety. But what if we, and now hear me out, also made them incredibly fast?
—God, creating toddlers
@hadafewbeers @funTweeters 92 just broke a hip! 🎉
Sorry I winked at your mom when she said she needed her pool vacuumed.
Don’t forget if you’re a member of the Tautology Society, we’ve got our annual AGM meeting tonight.
Local Singles 2.9 Miles From Your Area
*refresh page*
Local Singles 3.7 Miles From Y..
“no dont leave”
*refresh page*
Local Singles 7.8 Mile
My daughter just asked me if Cinderella’s shoe is such a perfect fit then why did it fall off so I enrolled her in the task force.
therapist: now, once again, stress balls are for …….
me: (sighs heavily)
stress balls are for squeezing, not throwing at people when I’m stressed
Superman: Bruce.
Batman: …
Superman: Bruce.
Batman: *sits up in bed* Clark, you have x-ray vision. You know there’s no monster in the closet
No offense but why do birds even have feet? Seems greedy.
Friend dropping me off at the airport: ok fly safe
Me who is not piloting the plane: ok I will
My parents are 75 and 84. My son & I do frequent drive-by visits to make sure they have what they need. Today, I guess they needed to party.
*looks at chess board for a long time before finally looking up* I thought you said cheese board
Sober me: I hate drunk people
Me after first drink: WHERE MY DRUNK PEOPLE AT
*gets summoned to the spider court*
YOU ARE HEREBY CHARGED WITH THE CRUSHING OF 4 SPIDERS
HOW DO YOU PLEAD?
*places glass over spider judge*