Today’s PSA:
No one can “get your goat” if you don’t let your goat get got.-You’re welcome
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my daughter just died of embarrassment when i accidentally appeared for two-tenths of a second in the background of her class zoom meeting. please respect my family’s privacy during this difficult time.
Boss: I suspect one of you is dead
[Everyone looks at me, except for Paul, who is not moving at all]
Neighbour mowed his lawn at 6am… Logic dictates that I should get drunk in the backyard tonight and try to learn to play the didgeridoo.
4: *hops in my lap* Mama, look at my picture!
Me: Love it
4: See green
M: Yep
4: And blue
M: Mmhm
4: And red
M: *flushes toilet* ok, hop up.
NRA member: I’ve got guns. I’m in charge.
Me: That’s nice. I’ve got bubonic plague – “cough, cough” – now you do, too.
I win.
The keys to a successful marriage include separate bank accounts, separate bathrooms, and separate Netflix profiles
Owls are the most beautiful birds. Real head turner.
starting group chats is like that fox chicken & bag of grain riddle where you cant put certain guys in the same boat or theyll kill everyone
*thumb wrapped in giant bandage*
CW: Oh my God, what happened?
Me: Never challenge a hitchhiker to a thumb war.
The year is 2200. All fossil fuels are depleted. Our only source for coal is Santa Claus. Everyone must be naughty for the sake of mankind.
Everyone likes the guy who won’t tolerate bullshit until it’s your bullshit.
My husband bought lemon-flavored potato chips. Long story short, he’s sleeping in the RV.
sumtimes i go 2 hard tho
Me: How was my snoring last night?
Wife [with earplugs in]: WHAT
*high fives my therapist*
“At least you tried.”
You can pretty much tell me anything is an anagram and I’ll believe it. I’m not about to rearrange a bunch of letters like some doctor
My walk of shame is walking past the people I just said goodbye to because I went in the wrong direction and had to go back.
– Are you sure these figures aren’t exaggerated?
– Million percent.
Hooking up with your ex is a great way to reassure yourself that dying alone wouldn’t be the worst thing in the world.
Men are from Mars. Women are from Venus. Mars has 2 moons. Venus has no moons. Do you see where I’m getting at? Men, GIVE BACK OUR MOON!
me before coffee: ugh why is everyone shouting
me after coffee: okay yes I do see the fire now
Doughnuts alone won’t fill the emptiness in your soul…you’ll also need chocolate milk.
sphinx: answer my riddle correctly or die
me: 27
sphinx: but i haven’t asked the question…
me: [laying my head under her paw] we gonna do this or what?
Right now 36-year-old Meghan Markle is celebrating her marriage to a prince.
Right now 36-year-old me is celebrating the fact I found lasagna in the freezer.
Guess we’re both living the dream
I put the hummingbird feeder by the other bird feeders so the hummingbirds are forced to learn some social skills.
I have one son that loves to refurbish cars. He doesn’t get it from me, I don’t even vacuum.
I say “correct me if I wrong” just to make people listen to me.
Good news: It works the other way around.
I entered “internal bleeding” & “unconscious” in WebMD and it said I have a stuffy nose.
Phew.
Reasons people get divorced:
-irreconcilable differences
-infidelity
-finances
-husband starts using the term boi
-lack of intimacy
“Stop stealing your sister’s imaginary hot chocolate” is not a sentence I ever expected to say, let alone saying it multiple times at increasing volume