Wife: Will you please move your stupid truck?
Me: I’m sorry, move what?
Wife: Ugh. Will you please move the Colossus of Roads?
You Might Also Like
[inventing trees]
Angel: what purpose do they serve?
God: cats climb em
Angel: can they climb back down?
God [inventing the fire dept]: nope
I’m so frustrated at work I’m thinking about eating my Doritos without washing my hands first… or after
I see you posted a photograph of snow with the caption “it’s cold” could you tell me more about that
You eventually reach the age when bar hopping turns into let’s stay here because it’s not that noisy and the bathroom is clean.
(sees a hot guy at the bar)
me: hey dude. why don’t you take off that big coat? you’re sweating everywhere
“Swimming is dangerous, so I wear floaties on my arms for safety!”
[cut to me floating face-down in a pool with only my arms above water]
NOTICE: Drive thru weddings at the First State Bank from 6-10pm. Put $50 in the money drawer and out comes a marriage license and two rolls of Smarties. God bless.
I have a dentist appointment this afternoon. What’s the quickest way to erase a year of bad decisions?
Happy Earth Day. You don’t look a day over 4,400,000,000 and get hotter every year.
Jesus has returned! He’s in my DMs asking for Amazon gift cards and has terrible grammar. But it’s TOTALLY him.
Oh you love your mom’s cooking? Name 4 of her dishes.
Girl you are his 9th twitter girlfriend in 2 years, he’s not your soulmate.
Let’s all smash our hands together repeatedly to indicate that we enjoyed that thing.
I’m pretty bad at math until someone orders mozzarella sticks for the table.
me: I had some friends over for dinner, but they didn’t like the tacos I made
him: oh no, did you overreact-
me: no, I just threw them out
him: oh
me: then I ate the tacos
him:
That was your first time water skiing?
“Yeah”
I’ve never seen anyone that good. Incredible.
“Thanks”
What’s your name anyway
*Jesus winks*
If I lost a leg in an accident the worst part would be never being able to flush a public toilet again
don’t smoke pots because they are made of clay and can burn your tongue
Liven up any boring conversation by telling people you have a glass eye and then watch them try and figure out which one it is.
What’s the rule for Twitter crushes? So far I’m in love with 800 women, 2 dudes, and a llama. Send condoms.
Took the kids to the store yesterday to pick out their own Valentine’s gifts, so don’t tell me I’m not preparing them for marriage.
black phone good
My Kid: (handing me balloons) Daddy, can you make balloon animals?
Me: uh…sure… I can make an eel, or a snake…
My Kid: I want a poodle.
Me:…or a worm…
My Kid: POODLE!
reviewed some movies recently
You don’t scare me. I used to work retail.
Chase scenes in movies will be extremely quiet, once electric cars become mainstream.
“He is usually nice and fills my dish, but this morning he stepped on my tail and I made an alarmed high pitched noise.”
-yelp review
Once I burned my Trailer down when I left a candle burning after a romantic date. To keep my street cred, I claimed it was a meth explosion.
Is it still ‘breakfast’ if you have had midnight snacks in four equal intervals before you woke up formally?
Itching, flaky skin? Burning sensation while urinating? You’re probably on fire!