8-year-old: Are you making pizza for dinner?
Me: No.
8: Can you check again?
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In the car and passed by a cop and my 12 year old says “everyone be cool! Act normal!”
Expecting that Father of the Year award any day now
favorite childhood memories?
~not paying bills.
Me: [doing crossword] a body of water; three letters.
Wife: bay.
Me: flying insect w/ stinger; three letters.
Wife: bee.
Me: to hush someone; four letters.
Wife: shhh.
Me: boat Noah built; three letters.
Wife: ark.
Me: DOO DOO DOO DOO DOO DOO.
[in the backyard enjoying the morning sounds of nature] ahh the forest creatures are mad the football team lost.
my date last night:
– tried really hard to get me to go home with him
– accidentally spilled his milkshake in my car
– left me to clean it up
– texted me this morning that he’s getting back together with his exdating is fun, you guys
#katesdates
How loud can you talk?
-Alcohol
Him: “You’re not like other girls”
My anxiety and insecurity: “Told ya”
For most, bikini season lasts a few short summer months, but I catch enough & store them so efficiently I can eat bikini all year round.
Babe, calm down. I don’t think you heard me. They’re MAGIC beans.
I really miss Jake. And Clyde. And Marissa. Gina too. I should stop naming my cupcakes right before I eat them. 🙁
Twitter: Worchest… Worce… Woostishire, haha this word is so hard to spell, am I right?
Also Twitter: GIMME ALL THE SRIRACHA
*kidnapping Beyoncé* got your Knowles
[Restaurant]
Waiter: Compliments of the chef.
*He opens silver platter and post-it notes with the words ‘You’re beautiful’ pour out*
Remember before Amazon reviews when you could just buy a toothbrush without 6 hours of research?
Reporter: What went wrong in the Challenger launch?
NASA: have you ever built a space ship?
Reporter: well no bu-
NASA: it’s really hard
Not to be racist but all of my kids sound the same on the phone.
Dr: You have palpitations
Me: You mean my heartbeat’s off?
Dr: Hearts can’t beat off HAHAHAHA
Me: HAHAHAHAHA- [goes into cardiac arrest]
Why are people scared of flying?! The Earth is a giant spaceship with no pilots. That’s way scarier.
oh yeah that shit is [spends 10 minutes looking for the fire emoji]
Cop: Stand on one leg
Me: *does it*
Cop: Say the alphabet backwards
Me: zyxwvutsrqponmlkjihgfedcba
Cop: Impressive. Walk this line while holding these ice trays filled with water and don’t spill anything
Me: *starts sweating*
my cat has the hiccups and he’s trying to lick his own belly and every time he hiccups he looks around like who the hell did that
Inside you are two wolves. One is dressed as your grandmother. The other is huffing & puffing & attempting to blow your house down.
I’m glad they call themselves attorneys-at-law. I wouldn’t want to accidently hire an attorney-at-baking or an attorney-at-pottery.
My pessimism has never failed me, but I’m sure someday it will.
[knocking on the castle door during a battle] My boss said you guys have to give all our arrows back now
So aliens build high-tech spacecraft & travel thousands of light years just to give random people colonoscopies?
*Me making playground small talk with other parents*
“Congrats on the sex bro”
I feel bad for tailgating this minivan so closely but once I started watching Kung Fu Panda on his back seat TV I had to see it through.
No, babe. The first four alarms are just my commitment to the bit.
“You should cook it like this more often.”
Me, panicked cried twice and burnt myself when cooking it: sure.