The only excuse for the kinds of storms that have been coming is that someone somewhere is losing a game of Jumanji…
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Why did the new psychology student eat their textbook?
Because the professor said it was a piece of cake!
😂
“So your new carol is just eight verses of you demanding figgy pudding with increasing hostility.”
“That’s right.”
“And it’s called We Wish You A Merry Christmas?”
“Yes”
“Buts it not really about Christmas is it? It’s mostly about figgy—“
“—figgy pudding yeah.”
“ARE YOU LISTENING TO ME OR NOT?”
“What are my choices again?”
This is Sparta
dutch so unserious
I’m glad Pitbull always announces his name right away so I know when to turn the radio off.
Surgeon: We had to replace some of your blood but we had to improvise…
Me: You did?
Kool aid guy: OH YEAH!
I said ‘wake me up with just your mouth’ and she’s not stopped yelling until after I jumped out of the bed.
suddenly remembered when I explained updog to my father and he didn’t even blink, just said “oh, we had something like that when I was a kid, a henway”
“what’s a henway?”
“about five pounds”
Do you like long lines, mass transit and sweaty white people?
Ask your doctor if a Disney trip is right for you.
God: I need one more rib please
Adam: No
God: Come on man, I can see the future… this is going to be a problem
Adam: I said NO
God: ugh, fine *calls McDonalds* sorry guys but the McRib is gonna have to be limited time only
This guy at the bar just said nobody gets off earth alive. And he and his buddies sat there for a second before the chick in the middle says “what about astronauts” and I love her
*me carrying in all of the groceries
Wife: I feel bad, I don’t have anything
Me: You always have me
Wife: See what I’m saying
I liked the old days, when people tried to keep the fact that they were idiots to themselves.
I can never go to sleep without a bedtime story*
*listening to a Dateline podcast
Some think kids are selfish, but when 8 sees I’m carrying too much stuff at once, he comes over and gives me a lengthy explanation as to why Black Panther could beat Spider-Man.
When I meet someone new I always determine if they’d be an ally or food, in the event of a zombie apocalypse.
As moms, we make decisions to keep our kids healthy. Like drinking this entire bottle of wine so that my teenager can live another day.
Me: curling is just hockey with different sticks
Him: you just offended all of Canada
Person: How do you go to the bathroom?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I drink a lot of fluid and after a few hours, my body tells me it needs to come out.
People say ‘bullshit’ like their shit is so high and mighty.
Our 50 favourite Christmas tweets of 2021.
“No new iPhone, I just wanted to talk about my feelings” – Tim Cook, hopefully
The mood took a dark turn when I intercepted the wedding bouquet and ran it back for a touchdown.
Old Spice 14-in-1 body wash, shampoo, conditioner, face wash, moisturizer, toothpaste, super glue, mouth wash, shaving cream, caulk, aftershave, lube, energy drink, cream cheese
Food puns are my love language
…what, they make me corny.
In 8th grade I had to take care of an egg to teach me responsibility. That egg hatched, and I raised the chicken as my own. He was delicious
[ First day as a British comedy account ]
I sure do love those chocolate chip *checks writing on hand* biscuits? That can’t be right.
They say milk is good for your teeth..you know what else is good for your teeth..minding your own damn buisness
I drink a lot of water for someone who claims to hate being alive