Sorry I didn’t want to hold YOUR baby because I was holding MY baby
*Sips Margarita
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[Restaurant]
Waiter: “Do you have any room for dessert?”
Me: *thinking of my secret cake room*
“What have you heard?”
Kudos to Google for starting a company before you could Google, “How to start a company?”
When I was younger I was into athletics. I miss the guys from the 4x400m relay team. We ran in the same circles.
You dance like nobody is watching. I eat like that.
The first rule of fight club is to ask her, “Is that what you’re wearing?”
ME: i trained this chicken to talk
HER: let’s see
ME: what’s a male deer
CHICKEN: buck
ME: how much is 200 pennies
CHICKEN: buck buck
HER: this sucks
ME: it gets better
CHICKEN: it gets way better, Karen
Costco is the only place that you can walk out with a Kayak, twenty pounds of meat, jeans, ten bottles of sun lotion and not look ridiculous
When life hands you donkeys, move to a mountainous region.
Did you know that a cherry pie is $12 in Antigua but only $10 in Barbados?
Those arrr the pie rates of the Carribbean.
#CherriesJubileeDay #RubbishJokes #SaturdayMorning
Me:[grabbing my guitar] i wrote this for you.
Her: awww.
Me:*pulls note out of guitar hole*
“we’re out of cereal.”
You don’t scare me. You’re not an undetectable patch of ice on a 70 mph expressway.
The woman who sits next to me at work just told someone she’s surrounded by idiots. I feel bad for her.
[mcdonalds]
me: two marijuanas please
employee: this is the mcdonald’s drive thru
me: two McMarijuanas please
[dunk tank baptism] *to little boy* you only have 3 chances or this clown doesn’t get into heaven
Landlordle – where the goal is to get your plumbing fixed, but you only get six chances to summon a super.
P L E E Z
T O D A Y
N E E D U
S U I N G ✅
We’re out of duct tape, craft glue, and frozen orange juice because I made a sandwich while I was drunk last night.
Dad, I think you need to pay the milk man. One of his goons is here
– Will you donate your organs when you die?
– No, I will not do anything when I die. I will be dead.
When it says “fussy” and “cries excessively” on the medical form, are they asking about me or the baby?
This chick last night told me to do her like her ex husband so I drained her bank accounts and banged her sister
Another interpretation of pavlov’s experiment is his dog trained him to ring a little bell before serving him dinner.
Don’t even wrap my subway sandwich up, I’m wearing it out of the store.
Don’t mind me, I’m just a mom sitting in the dark eating a tub of ice cream because I spent the entire weekend doing laundry and then my kids changed clothes
her: what are you watching?
me: film about misconceptions of ownership and land rights of wetlands under an absolute monarchy
her:
me:
her: are you describing sh—
me: yeah it’s shrek again
Me: did you know that abbreviating names can be really confusing?
GF: really?
Me: yeah
George Foreman: that’s interesting
Adults should not be twins. Being twins is for children.
ferris wheel technician: i think i see the problem.
me: oh good what is it.
ferris wheel technician: you put the wheel on sideways.
me: haha whoops.
I’ve reached the age where if someone rings my bell after 9pm I either left my car door open or I’m about to be murdered
If you keep bending your iPhone 6 you’ll eventually have a sweet flip phone.
You’re doing a 30 day cleanse? How dirty are you?