*looks at selfie*
“Hmmm I need more flattering lighting”
*tries again inside an unlit abandoned coal mine*
“ahhh much better”
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Me: “Let’s go. I’ve got the kid buckled up.”
Wife: “You mean ‘kids,’ plural, right?”
Me: “I’ll be right back.”
Retweet if you’re naughty! Star if you love Jesus! Reply if you’d like to meet him!
Skills
Sometimes I don’t delete negative instagram comments. I wait until they tally up some likes. Then I go see who liked the negative comment and block them. That way the person who left the negative comment did a service for me. They worked for me for free.
Burritos are what happens when your food hugs itself.
Do you want to see a 4yo cry on their birthday? Give them a Slinky and wait about 7 minutes.
My 8 year old daughter is either sick and needs constant care or she’s ready to move out and start her life. There’s no in between.
If you look in the mirror & say “pumpkin spice latte” 3x a white suburban girl will appear & tell you everything she loves about the fall
My 3-year-old stubbed his toe and then cried and screamed I’M DYING,” so I silently looked at my husband and he sighed and said, “I know. He got that from me.”
[Cops have a warrant for my arrest]
Cops: you’re coming with us!
*Plays the Benny Hill theme on my phone & runs away*
Foot chase ensues.
[2 cavemen]
Look what me discover! This game changer!
*grabs it* “This hot! Burn fingers. What you call it?”
*takes back mixtape* FIRE!
She posted me to the group chat and they said I’m handsome
[on Shark Tank]
Me: It’s a combat tank operated by sharks
Investor: Finally someone gets it
#WhenCopyEditorsWorkDrunk …
No one ever hated their job on a Friday!
I had two students lose teeth yesterday and this morning they excitedly told me how much money the tooth fairy left. One got $10, the other $20. I may start pulling my own teeth out soon.
MOB BOSS: I think we have a rat
ME: *writing* I’ll pick up some traps and cheese
MOB BOSS: not that kind of rat, you idiot, one that likes to talk
ME: ohhh got it *crosses out cheese and writes in podcast*
15 men all vying for the chance to fight with one woman:
1. The Bachelorette
2. The American presidential race
Samsies.
[first date]
HER: Aww, look at that poor old woman at the table in the corner, sitting all alone.
ME: That’s my mom. She wanted to check you out.
MOM: *shakes head, makes throat-cutting gesture*
ME: Don’t worry. That means she likes you.
I did vote once but only because I thought the line was to a buffet.
Jeez, men read so much into it when you ask if they’ll riot by your side in the water wars
Comcast Cable acquiring Time Warner Cable is a lot like your proctologist acquiring a bigger finger.
Money was so tight last Xmas I had to sell a kidney for gifts. And this year it’s getting so bad, I may even have to sell one of my own.
People be all walking and sneezing openly like it is 2019
Roman: Any last words?
Jesus: I’ll be back.
Parenting log, day 560:
The child has bonded with a slice of American cheese. She’s been hugging it and kissing it for over an hour and it is now half melted. Everything in the house is now covered with cheese. She will not play with anything other than the cheese.
Anyone who can get the straw in the Capri Sun on the first try can make your death look like an accident.
Bisexuals are lucky. To the rest of us, life is a restaurant where you’re allergic to half the items on the menu.
“The Burning Bush” but it’s just me getting laser hair removal.
I think I overdosed on comfort food last night….
That makes 7,427 days in a row.