What if bananas turn black and bruised because they run their own fight club when we’re not around?
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The cops say I have to stop trying to fist fight the guy who tries to feed my house letters everyday.
Why do men named Bartholomew go by Bart when they could go by Mew?
Me: Doc, I hurt my back.
Dr: What happened?
Me: Well, I was rolling over in bed…
Dr: AT YOUR AGE??!???
That time I pointed out to the guy trying to sell a magazine subscription that I have a “No Soliciting” sign and he rolled his eyes and said, “Yeah but I’m not soliciting, I’m selling”. Thus ends the tale of why I have a “do not disturb” sign.
No, give me the blue mittens for shoveling. The red ones are for scandal.
Husband’s on fire today. He’s made lunch for us both and the smoke alarm’s just gone off.
Ugh, stalkers are horrible.
You’d think SOMEONE could’ve let me know I was out of toilet paper.
I can’t shop there because I don’t understand their parking lot.
you’re legally allowed to steal anything from the doctor’s office if they leave you alone in the room for a minute
Reddit really can be a magical place sometimes
shoutout to Disney for giving me unrealistic expectations about love, talking animals and my singing voice
Just know that if I go up to the hand sanitizer machine and it doesn’t dispense anything, I’m still running my hands together. 🙏🏼
If you like constant interruptions when you’re [no you can’t have a snack] trying to get something done, then parenting [leave the cat alone] might be for you.
Salesgirl: [handing me makeup samples] here are the freebies we promised you!
Me: [wearing my brand-new beekeeper’s suit] …oh
Do citrus fruits grow better in the limelight?
[in Starbucks]
“It’s Ian with one i”.
“We only need your first name Mr Wivwanaye”.
HR is giving me a hard time because I’ve been starting all my work emails with:
Dearly Beloved
Things would be so much simpler if everything was as easy as your mom.
My 3yo just realized that when he’s an adult he can drive himself to get donuts and he’s gonna need a minute
Anyone with really healthy kidneys interested in a tweet up?
You are the wind beneath my overly-sensitive, motion-activated floodlight.
I love when really expensive products say ‘apply generously’ like of course you would say that
You know that song “Happy” by Pharrell? That’s how annoying I am.
If you die on Everest they leave your body there and you just become a part of the scenery. The same thing happens if you die in a Dollar General.
Whoever invented popcorn deserves the Medal of Honor for not panicking after the first 45 seconds.
[in living room]
Daughter: This show SUCKS
Son: YOU suck
Wife: Ok, that’s ENOUGH
Me: WHERE IS THE TV REMOTE
Realtor: *clears throat*
Me: Feels like home…we’ll take it
Sean’s gf: I feel seen
Sean: for the last time, stop pronouncing it like that
Date: Let’s exchange numbers
Me: Won’t that confuse people who try to call us?
I don’t want a sensible dinner I want an imbecilic dinner
My 6yo set a timer so that I could have a rest after eating. When the alarm went off it was time for me to go play with him.
He set the timer for 11 seconds. Plenty of time for a rest.