Interesting how Lassie always happens to be at the scene when a kid “falls” down a well.
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My wife got mad at me for buying the family size pack of oreos for just the two of us and I was like are we or are we not a family
It was cool when I taught my kid at 2yo to whisper, “your soul is mine” back to us.
It was cooler when she started whispering it to anyone she was introduced to.
Me: Can I get a sick note?
Doctor: Here u go.
Me:
Note: *coughs*
Me: *eating 8’s M&Ms*
8: where are my M&Ms?
Me: *hides packet* what M&Ms?
8: the ones from grandma
Me: what grandma?
8: my grandma
Me: is she though?
8: I don’t understand
Me: well go to your room and think about it
8:
Me:
8: *walks off*
Me: *finishes eating M&Ms*
I like to think of brunch as the purest form of anarchy. Want a burger between 2 waffles? Go for it. Scrambled eggs on a brownie? Heck yeah! Toss some onion rings in those Froot Loops, you are ungovernable. For 90 glorious minutes, all rules of polite society have been suspended.
So I’m sitting, minding my own business when *BAM*
Nothing happens
If everybody would just wait until the Monday after the Super Bowl, the tickets will be half price
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a librarian.
Me: *doesn’t talk again all night*
People make you wonder just how bad prison would really be
Him: Your profile said you were Catholic.
Her: *apartment filled with cats* Maybe you read it too fast.
After all the books are banned they’ll move on to suggestive fruit
casino dealer: ok all bets on the table
cat: [pushes bets off the table]
dealer: stop that are you in or out
cat: YES
Me: I like your Prince tattoo.
“It’s my mother.”
Me: Your mother is Prince?
My new favourite people are the Americans who complain about the air quality while chuffing on vapes all day.
What idiot called it Catfishing your Tinder Contacts and not Playing With Matches
Annoy a Boomer today. Take your time vacating the pickleball court.
The easiest way to confuse a man is to wear a straight jacket that accentuates your cleavage.
I like to put a banana in each pocket just to confuse people.
I can tolerate a lot of the familial depravity in #HouseOfTheDragon but I gotta draw the line at someone naming both of their twins Eric
in hindsight, grumbling about my mother having 30 pairs of slippers was ill-timed in coinciding with the arrival of my 12 pairs of Old Navy flip-flops
Wife got mad at me again. I guess it isn’t funny to give the last rites to every plant she puts into the cart at home depot
I can’t tell you how many times I’ve opened the refrigerator and thought, What am I doing inside the refrigerator?
My kids lost a Barbie shoe.
I dug in the trash and found one.
It was from a set they didn’t know was missing
Now I’m looking for 2 shoes.
My sense of humor can best be described as “Are you okay? Did someone hit you in the head?”
If you want to become a beatboxing champion, try zipping up a tight dress.
I scream, you scream, we all scream for ice cream. This kid working at Baskin Robbins is pretty scared. Now he’s crying in the corner.
When guys tweet selfies they should totally place a few hams into the background “accidentally” so women know they can afford meat
Winner of unnecessarily terrifying headline of the year announced:
I saw a spider crawl under my kid’s bed and was too tired to go after it, but that’s okay, no living creature can survive that environment.
I keep having this dream that I’m being carried off by a giant squirrel. Does that make me nuts?