“How many witches does it take to change a lightbulb?”
“Depends, into what?”
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me: how much for the dog bouquet
girl walking dogs: what
Tweet about drinking too much = 50 quick likes
Facebook about drinking too much = A phone call from my mom
One time I was talking to a really cute med student, we were flirting and laughing and it all looked promising. Then I sat down on a chair and it collapsed under me and shattered.
Anyway that was 26 years ago and I haven’t sat down since.
Just walked into my local court house, they were all sitting around in a circle with black candles and robes trying to summon a jury #funny
My husband and I are co-counsel in trial today.
We already had an argument about who would drive to the courthouse.
This should be good.
When you know it’s a French word but you can’t quite remember which one
“Ugh, it’s so dark!” *shivers* “And cold! Why is it so huge? It’s, like, jeez, does it go on forever?!”
– Larry, the worst astronaut
If you want to know how Irish my family is, my parents don’t have a liquor cabinet, they have a liquor closet
Right next to the beer fridge
My fashion sense has been described as “They probably won’t let you in like that” and “Are those your pajamas?”
All I’m saying is people who don’t swear are fornicated up emotionally.
lawyer: just say you were with a friend
me: ok
[later]
cop: where were you that night?me: robbing the house *winking at my lawyer* with my friend
Wife: don’t forget to pick the kids up from school
Me: it’s Saturday, they’re both upstairs
Wife: it’s Wednesday & we have 3 kids
“Here’s Ted with the weather.”
“…”
“I said… Here’s Ted with the weather.”
“…”
“Ted?”
“THAT’s what an unanswered text feels like, Sue.”
[2287 AD]
Omg: dad, where did our names come from?
Karen: the algorithm, son
Meatsheets: dad, we already know there’s no algorithm
Karen: *soft blocks Meatsheets*
*whispers to an avocado*
“I’m the good kind of fat, too.”
Husband has a fancy satellite alarm that does all kinds of things by itself but today it keeps beeping every hour despite my attempts to make it stop so I’m about to find out if it’s waterproof
Yes
I like to sit in the hotel hot tub with a bunch of potatoes, peas & carrots. I introduce myself as Stew.
Me: *coming out of my house two months from now, squinting into the light*
Neighbor: how was your quarantine?
Me: quarantine?
My mom, to me as a kid: You’d probably never bathe if you could get away with it.
Me now, in quarantine: She was right on the money with that one.
When people talk about enriching their lives, I assume they’ve found a way to add more cheese.
oh shit. came home & there is a giant cat in the bed
Google Maps says it’s a 29 minute walk, but where’s the secret calculation for the long-legged and impatient?
If I had a dollar for every time I think about you, I’d start thinking about you.
due to personal reasons i have decided to make even less sense to people who will never get me
Me: One time I was swimming and a pod of whales appeared out of nowhere! Such a sudden rush of happiness!
Friend: *Nodding* Endorphins
Me: No, just whales
Save us all the headache of buying my kids more toys.
Just give me money and I’ll put it on the floor & trip on it before pocketing it.
My husband is awesome. He just gave me a bracelet that belonged to his grandmother. What does “Do Not Resuscitate” mean?
Nothing says “Proper Retirement Planning” like a garbage can full of losing lottery tickets