These dogs look like they have good credit.
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[In the back of the car, imitating GPS voice] IN A HALF MILE, TAKE A SLIGHT RIGHT. ALSO PUT ERICS MIXTAPE BACK ON THAT WAS SO GOOD
Life tip – buy a birthday card with your morning bottle of wine and people will think it’s a gift.
You are welcome.
“I can’t feel my legs”
–mermaids
I may not be perfect, but at least my cat loves m—oh he’s just hungry nvm
The “Beware of Cat” sign posted outside my house doesn’t seem to be having the desired affect.
Shoutout to the woman who yelled in anger as Wonka began “this stupid thing is a musical?!”
[Editor’s note: the woman was my mother-in-law. I was sitting with her. This was a full theater.]
I hate when my dog watches me pick up his shit, I feel like his bitch.
“Adult assembly required” bro, how tf do you build an adult?
My southern mother passive-aggressively reorganized my refrigerator in the ten minutes she was left alone with it and now I can’t find the cream cheese
Just saw a doctor eating an apple. My whole life is a lie.
I’m so hungry I could Instagram a horse.
“Condominium” sounds like a safe sex spell you learn at Hogwarts.
I wrote to the Bank: “My Cheque was returned with remark ‘Insufficient funds’. I want to know whether it refers to mine or the Bank?”
I’ll do anything once, twice if I like it, three times if I’m addicted which why I’m always in and out of rehab. I have a problem.
People calling themselves a Personal Coach right now feels a lot like that time I called myself a Soccer Coach when my son was six.
[mall food court]
Me: *stomach rumbling* OMG not now
Brain: Too bad you hate using public washrooms
My White Undies: Sweet baby jesus no
As parents we have to make sacrifices all the time. Today I had to eat my kid’s ice cream because she couldn’t finish it.
What I lack in legs I make up for in forehead
Halloween is the only day of the year I can be myself.
*flies away with my broom*
If Nicole Kidman had a child with Gary Oldman, the child’s last name would be Middleagedman
Galadriel told Frodo only he could destroy the ring. Smokey Bear said only YOU can prevent wildfires. Frodo did his job; did you do yours?
Everyone’s a gangster until they have to roll forward while sitting in an office chair.
Another previously unknown dinosaur was the Thesaurus who used flowery language to confuse and disorient predators while he made his escape
I relish the fact that you’ve mustard the strength to ketchup to me.
My husband wants to install surround sound because apparently what our family really needs is to hear Let it Go with 360 audio.
Babies look like old men. I told my newborn niece she was my sweet schmoopie angel and she told me to get off her lawn.
My imaginary friend says you need a therapist.
Gift horse “My gums are bleeding.”
Dentist “Well this is a professional dilemma…”
The Last Dance just keeps getting better
It turns out condoms aren’t 100% effective, unless you actually take them out of your wallet…