I call all dogs ‘puppies’, regardless of age. They like it.
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Magician: Is this your card?!
Me: Yes! *turns to children and whispers* Go out to my truck and get my shotgun and rock salt. Daddy found himself a demon.
If she says “I’m fine” that means she’s fine and you can keep playing Xbox
guy: [drinking a coke]
me, hungover from a 3-day drug and alcohol-fueked bender: can’t believe he’s putting that garbage in his body
When I see a “How am I driving?” sticker, I want to take the driver in my arms and tell them that I too have questions about my existence
Me: How do we get to the bottom of the canyon?
Guide: *gesturing to donkey* Burro
Me: *starts digging* Come and help you stupid donkey
me: i like baseball.
man: oh yeah, who hit the 2nd farthest minor league home run during the 1918 season
Idea: “Celebrity Price Is Right” where Gwyneth Paltrow guesses that loaves of bread cost $460
The bag of chocolate macaroons I bought are not resealable. I’m taking this as an indicator that it is 1 serving
Marvel just revealed the title we’ve all been waiting for.
Spiderman: You’ll Probably Have To Watch It At Home
Him: What dat mouf do?
Me: Talk a lot of shit and eat fried chicken.
In medieval Europe, it was pretty easy to amass vast armies eager to go into battle and have their heads schwacked off because no one wanted to be alive in medieval Europe.
The DaVinci Code but it’s just me trying to unlock the secret to why there are so many crumbs in my toddler’s bed
Real life dad college courses
Garage law
Power nap philosophy
Nosy neighbor studies
Barbecue physics
Zipper theory of merging traffic
Thermostat dynamics
HER: do you mind having period sex?
ME: not at all. can we try the Industrial Revolution?
*Dial-up modem gets on stage at a whale rap battle*
“BEEEEEWoooooo BLEEeeeeee BING bing ping”
*drops mic**stunned whale crowd loses it*
Fight club but just dueling neighbor’s aggressively leaf blowing leaves onto each other’s lawns.
#ImFeelingGoodAbout myself
[Guy sees octopus doing squats at the gym on 4 legs]
“You doing legs today?”Octopus: Yeah my fourarms hurt.
me: another one, make it a double
hot dog vendor: how
My grandmother’s secret ingredient?
Cigarette ashes
When you work at McDonald’s they put Mc in front of your name. Unless you’re called Beth. Then you’re known as “the Scottish play”
Juliet: O Romeo, Romeo! Wherefore art thou Romeo?
Romeo: New phone. Who dis?
bank robber: everyone against the wall. this is a hostage situation
me, a person extremely susceptible to stockholm syndrome: [tries to hold robber’s hand] hey
Stop pissing me off or I’ll marry you
To the 4 people today who tried to prank me and failed, eat it jerks. To the 13 who succeeded, guys can u pls delete the photos of me crying
Average person has sex 89 times a year.
These next two days are going to be wild
If I’m your lawyer, we’re in jail
If we meet in a social situation I’ll typically take over the conversation, do a tight five or ten minutes then clam up for the rest of the evening. That’s all I got. The next two hours is on you.
law suits: quality garments for lawyers
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, if you drive a Nissan but don’t call it Liam then what is even the point of you