*At the bar
Me)May I sit here?
Her)I have a boyfriend
Me)That’s ok, I’m 50. I just want to sit down
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still burning off that Cinnabon i ate in 1997
Glad I’m not a general, because auto-correct just changed “lunch order” to “launch order.”
“I maul out of love” – Bear Supply
My husband grabbed a lightsaber and challenged our daughter to a battle. She ran to the kitchen and grabbed a knife.
Me: I somersaulted down a hill yesterday, just like in the movies, it was so crazy
Angel: yes that’s why you’re here
babe wake up, the chili discourse on Twitter has an update. someone made a deranged 30 tweet thread about carrots being in the chili despite there being no carro- babe no, babe stay awake, babe plea-
No one makes eye contact in a restroom after being “loud” in a stall.
Women because they’re embarrassed
Men because they’ll start laughing
My home security system growing up was my parents telling me not to open the door for anyone.
My son wants a pet pig so if he asks the ham he ate for dinner last week was pterodactyl meat.
just mowed the backyard
[idiot mocking voice] “but deg what will u do this weekend?”
hell, the way it grows i’ll be able to mow sunday idiot
I’m only grabbing fast food to refill my napkin collection in the car.
If you live in an apartment and it’s raining and you forgot to buy groceries, you should be allowed to trick-or-treat
I feel like every girl needs a “fella drawer” if you plan on having frequent guests.
Me: On today’s episode of Inside the Actor’s Studio….apartment….
Ryan Reynolds: How did you get in here?
[First date]
Me: What do you prefer, flat or sparkling?
Him: Water?
Me: No, my personality.
Her: Col. Mustard did it in the conservatory with a lead pipe because the victim’s loud chewing drove him to it.
Me: You don’t have to give a motive. *bites into apple* Hey, is that a real lead pi
*stands over dads casket*
“Mom isn’t doing well, dad.”
*puts hand on dad’s shoulder*
“You need to stop building caskets. It’s creepy.”
Was carded whilst buying wine today and my response was to point out that I was wearing a very sensible cardigan
two people or more is called a problem
Is it normal for a cat to get smarter? When Max was a kitten he was really dumb but now he reads at an 8th grade level
Risking my life for fun.
want to make it creepy? just add in my pants to whatever
Merry Christmas…in my pants
Happy New Year…in my pants
DRIVER: *turns radio off* Where to?
UNDECIDED VOTER: Don’t rush me I need to hear all the places first. Tell me every place there is please.
The next Mission Impossible movie is about Tom Cruise trying to reach a cup in the cabinet above his oven without a step stool.
Why do smurfs laugh when they run? Because the grass tickles their balls 😂
i actually have good reason to shoot the messenger. for one, i do NOT like what he’s telling me
If I saw somebody eating a taco like that, I would slap that taco out of that hand.
if you steal enough fitbits they’ll just give you one for your ankle
Can makeup companies just admit that they’ve run out of words to market mascara? Lashblast full effect endless wonder lengthening spider scandal volumizing ultra curved stiletto black fantasy mega-colossal stiletto stapler gondola tractor zoo crime salad steamboat tick chart
Them: what’s your sign?
Me: exhausted potato