I packed 5 oranges in 5 different lunches today and all five oranges came back home. Apparently, I send fruit on field trips.
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*spits out mouthful of blood* it’s gonna take more than that to kill me
Dentist: for the love of God just floss
I broke up with a guy because he killed a horse on Skyrim.
Son: mom, you wanna dance with me?
Me, who has no rhythm: *dances*
Son: maybe you can just watch me instead.
Kids be like don’t worry I aimed for the rug so I wouldn’t get your bowl dirty
[dentist giving me a filling]
Me: guh uh hag a hogreg?
Dentist stops: what?
Me: do you have a boyfriend?
MILEY CYRUS: I never went boatin’ and don’t get how they be floatin’
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: [slowly rising from the ocean] buoyancy
Santa Claus is the omicron superspreader
Apparently, my superpower is being invisible to bartenders.
Did you know you can replace Sweet Child O Mine with Sweet Glass O Wine and it makes for an even better song
Never let them know your next move 😂
*pretends to throw ball*
*dog runs to chase it*
Ha, stupid dog.
*dog keeps running, disappears over horizon*
Um
*dog tackles me from behind*
Welcome to Twitter: it’s high school except we all have gray hair.
Would you rather get paid $1,000,000 right now or pay somebody $10 a day to wake you up by punching you in the face?
I’ll take Option B. It keeps you motivated to go out and EARN. That’s the hustler mentality
my kid wanted me to play but i was tired so i told her to make a friend so she drew a face on a balloon and named him green greevy and now i have to get him snacks too and thats how i got played by a four year old
“All dogs love me. He’s friendly! Look how he’s smiling, showing me his teeth.”
“Hey Buddy, let me just grab your collar to read your ta”
And those were his last words
my son is also my best friend (huge mix up at the adoption agency)
I need to stop asking ppl who wants to do an activity with me on my close friends story because 12 people said they wanted to go to this museum and now I have to make 11 people mad
Them: You need to eat more fresh vegetables!
Me: *going for more freshly baked potatoes* I’m on it!
Why isn’t Cindy spelled Sindie? Whoever caid C makes an S cound was ctupid.
Me: so they don’t punish you at school?
Kid: they make us sit in a thinking chair
Me: does that work?
Kid: I already planned my next move while thinking in the chair
My 17yo just asked me how to make toast. There goes any hopes of a college scholarship.
What’s brown, hairy and wears sunglasses?
A coconut on holiday!
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
#SaturdayVibes #SaturdayThoughts #Holiday
building forts as fast as I can but I’m running out of pillows
Me: When’s your break today?
Him: Not sure. I’ll send you a DM
*doorbell rings*
Demi Moore: Ok, he’s ready for lunch
*Comments on Facebook picture*
“That headband your baby is wearing really accentuates her baldness.”
I just read that if you’re 200 pounds on Earth, you’re 76 pounds on Mars.
I’m not fat, I’m on the wrong planet.
ME: I hate owls
[Owl turns his head 180°]
OWL: What?
ME: Oh I didn’t see you there
OWL: Are you talking behind my back?
ME: I’m…I’m not sure
That awkward moment when someone asks you “who do you like to listen to?” and you forget every band in history.
Somebody’s car alarm is going off outside my house. Not surprisingly really because I live in the bad part of 1992.
Strange