Of course divorce is expensive. The price of freedom has always been high.
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superhero movie: this already insanely hot person discovers they have numerous additional gifts
me: this is relatable as hell
I can’t get her off my mind, even the wind seems to whisper her name. Never fall in love with a girl named WHOOSHEE FFREWERRREFSHH.
me: wow the stars are beautiful
gf: omg babe they really are
me: u know who else is beautiful?
gf: *blushes* who? :3
me: Harambe
A woman just pulled out her checkbook to pay for groceries and even the cultured butter dropped an f-bomb.
I finally spilled coffee over my favourite t shirt and now I can wear it all day any day.
[last supper]
Jesus (to Judas): so your facebook status said you were anxious? Anything u wanted to say
Judas (sweating): no not really
LinkedIn is the best dating app because you know whether your potential love knows how to use Microsoft Excel.
Don’t ever forget where you came from. That’s most likely where you left your car.
I love you, but you’re not stepping foot into my home with even a speck of glitter.
[speed date]
Hi i’m Rob, I like sports, classic rock and have an irrational fear of bees. What’s your name?
Abby
OH SHIT WHERE
Frankly, my stomach would constantly be hurting if I was ever on love island because what you mean our kiss meant nothing. What you mean I have to watch you get to know other people right in front of my salad. What. Do. You. Mean.
Once I started pronouncing baseline like Vaseline things just really fell into place for me.
Today I came across a snake that seemed parched and tired, so I gently trickled some water from my water bottle on its snout for a few minutes and it quietly sipped. One of those nature moments that was nice but in retrospect makes me look like some sort of evil forest spirit
The closest I’ve ever come to winning anything was that time I got picked from a lineup at the station.
[at condiment counter]
*does shot of ketchup*
Me (gets in kid’s face): Wait your turn, punk
Wife: Oh no…he’s getting sauced up again
I love that Twitter is so international. I can hit “send” & be misunderstood by people all over the world almost instantly.
My wife told me, “I look really fat. Please make me feel better and compliment me.”
I said, “You have perfect eyesight.”
I’ve lost count of how many times in the past week I looked at my inbox and said, “How the hell did I get on this mailing list?” And “What could the CEO of Spanx possibly have to tell me about the coronavirus?”
181.
In relationships, it’s important to pay attention to the little things. My parole officer, for example, hates to be tickled.
Making a wreath of all my kids’ lost teeth to hang on my door to ward off solicitors.
[text from wife]
I want a divorceMe: *stands up at desk* YES!!!
*starts breakdancing*
*books trip to Bahamas*
*kisses Carol in accounting*
*goes into boss’s office* I QUIT!!![…typing]
Haha, April fools
I’m not really thought of as an outdoorsy guy but the truth is I have been outdoors many times and really liked it
Why is there only 50 shades of grey? Why not 5,000? What’s stopping them?
before you ask, yes, he can legally do this.
A woman on the subway asked if anyone wanted to turn their life over to Jesus Christ today. She seems nice but if you don’t believe in God, I don’t think the New York City public transportation experience is going to convince you.
These hair growth vitamins are sure making my mustache fill in nicely.
[wipes brow]
“Finally finished YouTube.”
If you say “no ifs, ands, or buts”, then get ready for a shitload of “shoulds”, “as well as”, and “howevers”.
Years ago I went to a job placement agency.
I left disappointed.
Apparently nobody offers temp work as an astronaut.