Can’t you just live in the moment, Phil? Every time we kill a bison or light a fire you have to draw it in a cave with your fancy stick.
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The circles under my eyes are so dark, Animal Planet is following me around filming a documentary about a raccoon out of its natural habitat
Too close to dinner for lunch now. I’ll just have a few fresh veggies and half a bag of potato chips to tide me over.
Me: Heeeeyyyyyy Judy, good morning!
*scratches Judy’s back, wiping off my Cheeto fingers*
Judy: Hi!!! How are y…..
Me: *walks away*
Drove by an SUV limo parked on somebody’s front lawn with a “For Sale” sign. Who is buying a random limo on a whim
Based on how poorly this burrito was wrapped, I assume it was made by the one person at Taco Bell that has never rolled a blunt.
Marge is going for a more natural hairstyle
Normalise screaming “404 ERROR” and sprinting out the room during conversations you want to end
Cats sleep 18 hours a day and only get up to murder.
I respect that.
I’m so dehydrated I could dry out a phone faster than a bowl of rice.
You won’t believe this, kids, but TV used to end. Every day. They played the national anthem, and then it just…stopped. Scary, huh?
ME: (to my heist crew) let’s ditch our getaway car in this pond
(puts rock on gas pedal, car revs into pond, disappears underwater)
ME: ok now….wait what’s that splashing
(Car emerges from the water on the far shore and just keeps going)
NARRATOR: The all new Chevy Malibu
I used to have poor judgement before Twitter, now I have poorer judgment
Dr: Does it hurt when I do this?
Me: Yes, a bit
Dr: And now?
Me: Yes, that’s very painful. Please stop showing me photos of you and my ex
Cop: Ma’am, Are you intoxicated?
Me: Are YOU intoxicated!
Cop: No
Me: Prove it!
Cop: *puts handcuffs on me*
Me: I like where this is going.
“911? Help, my house is burning down!”
“Sir, we’re sending the fire brigade right now.”
“I HAVE ENOUGH FIRE I DON’T NEED A BRIGADE OF IT.”
[American TV]
SHOWRUNNER: We’ll have 184 episodes over 8 years and possibly 3 spin-offs.[British TV]
SHOWRUNNER: We’ll run for 63 years. There will be one episode a year. Some years there won’t be any. Alternatively we can do 8 episodes right now then never mention it again.
Nativity scenes become something else entirely if you put a fork and knife in the hands of the adults.
i will not be silenced
Wait – my gym moved?
In 1997?
It’s my potent alchemy of humility and charisma that has you off-kilter. Give yourself a moment to adjust.
Police say Oscar Pistorius is a flight risk. How? Does he also have a pair of propeller feet?
How much longer until we can get pets that are also wifi hotspots?
“Let’s walk over there” “ok” -couple a cows
They only arrested Justin Bieber cause he’s black.
before you test me just know there are no toddlers allowed in prison and that sounds really nice to me right about now
Gross, who put proof in this pudding?
I would watch a reality show that’s nothing but goth kids trying not to smile while riding on a jet ski.
definitely thought i’d be solving mysteries and unmasking ghosts in a van with a dog by this point in my life
“That’s herpes”
-my response anytime someone asks me to look at their rash.
I saw a lady at work today doing “breathing exercises” and realized for the first time how lucky I was that breathing came naturally to me.