Go home, Twitter. You’re drunk.
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Normalize talking to people in the gym who have earbuds in, they love that.
[middle of the night]
Me: Wake up!
Wife: What?!
Me: I dreamt Dolores Umbridge banned my pig
Wife:
Me: But she couldn’t. It was HOGwarts
hey people that post selfies on Instagram and caption it ‘No Filter’, go with a filter next time. serious
I began writing full time 20 years ago. I’ve sold lots – my tv, my car, my jewellery…
My coworker has inspirational quotes up in her cubicle and one of them says “choose your destiny” so I guess she plays Mortal Kombat too.
I like having younger friends. They’re fun, energetic, adventurous, and then they recommend going out after 8 PM and I’m like, this friendship has run its course.
If you walk into a meeting and say “sorry, I have to go to another meeting.”
You can avoid every meeting.
You’re welcome.
[first date]
ME: I’m from a broken home.
HIM: When did your parents divorce?
ME: No, they were hoarders, and the second floor collapsed.
*wakes up at the crack of Dawn*
*instantly regrets drunk dialing Dawn last night*
I’ve been married for about 45 lbs.
Close your eyes. Picture a world without hunger. Open your eyes. I ate your sandwich.
hear me out- let’s have pet sitters release one harmless flying insect into your home every 2 days you’re gone to keep the pets amused
I asked my son to look through the playroom for things to donate to goodwill, and he was so generous about it, within minutes, he came back with a whole bag filled with his sister’s toys.
Me: pick and choose your battle.
My son: I choose every battle.
What a chick magnet..
The concept of “raining men” is a terrible thought and I wouldn’t be surprised if it happened in 2020.
This is the ideal male body. You may not like it but this is what peak performance looks like.
I love you, let me stand on your larynx.
– cats
I SHOULDN’T NEED TO BE A GODDAMN COMPUTER SCIENTIST TO SET THE CLOCK ON A COFFEE MAKER!!!
Oh, wait, never mind…I got it.
You can always count on me to bring my famous recipe of “bag of ice” to your summer cookout.
If you are being chase by a serial killer, you both are running for your life
Me: Im still mad at you for last night
Hub: Well Today is the 1st. Which means that happened last month. Which means youre being ridiculous
I have, a really beautiful body
under my floor boards
If the new Joker musical doesn’t have Lady Gaga singing “Joker Face” what’s the point??
My weather app just says, “Oh no.” I wonder what that means?
My friend said she’d bring a harmonica over for my daughter. What’s the fastest way to get a restraining order?
It’s always funny when the flight attendant says “we know you have a choice of airlines” as if free will exists.
Superman could have become a doctor, using his x-ray vision to detect life threatening tumors. But no, we really needed another journalist.
my garbage family is staging an intervention or something for me because i forgot what its called when people have a chin made out of hair
To add insult to injury illiterate is hard to spell.