Don’t believe everything you read on a Mayan stone carving
You Might Also Like
I don’t like camping, if I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.
You gotta sprinkle in a few yeahs with those uh huhs or else they’re gonna know
If by prepped for Irma you mean have I eaten all the ice cream before the power goes out then yes I’m totally prepped for Irma.
This is the most embarrassing thing that’s ever happened to me. I call my cat “my sweet boy” and went out on my porch, saw him and said “hey there sweet boy” unfortunately a teenage boy happened to be walking by just then, looked over at me and then took off running.
It’s not embarrassing falling down the stairs as long as you shout ‘parkour!’ after
Being married means never admitting you were the last one to see the item that is now lost.
I was practicing moves on a stripper pole, when all of a sudden I heard a loud ringing. Then 3 firemen fell from the sky and crushed me.
Anyone else rip their mask off when they get in to the car like they’ve just finished a disappointing surgery on Grey’s Anatomy
5: mummy I want a sandwich
Me: you forgot to say the magic word
5: cheese
[being murdered]
Me: hey Alexa, how about a little mood music over here
me: *on my 100th crunch at the gym*
employee: ur getting cheeto dust on the weights
DENTIST: Have you been flossing?
ME: Have you been flossing?
DENTIST: *sweating* This isn’t about me.
Saw Interstellar over the weekend & was totally glued to my seat. The movie was OK but the getting-glued-to-my-seat thing ruined it for me.
My neighbors are being loud and I wanted to yell at them but I didn’t want them to know it’s me so I found a clip of a woman yelling SHUT UP and played it at full volume
🎉Made my last car payment 🎉
I still owe a lot but I’m just not paying anymore
the fondue…? you mean, my drinking cheese?
venmo me $5 and i will find your ex’s hottest photo and start an argument in the comments about new york vs chicago pizza for some reason
Sure, sex is cool and all, but have you ever experienced same day delivery from Amazon?
Me: And I was just trapped in my bed, crying for hours
Cop: I’m not surprised with a murderer in your house
Me: There was a murderer in my house?
Canadian winters be like:
Today’s high is -23, but with the wind chill it feels like -57.
You would think that after 8 years of yelling at her dog, my neighbour would have learned that the dog doesn’t understand English. Try Spanish, you imbecile.
“Interested in mail enhancement?”
Me: u mean ‘male’ enhancement
“No. [whispering] what if I told u I could get ur mail like so fast bro”
oh you like online scams? name all the numbers on your credit card
[face to face with a serial killer]
Me: So this is how it ends.
SK: Kill you? In this economy? I just needed to borrow a cup of sugar.
HOST: Make yourself at home!
ME AND MY CLONE: I prefer the lab, thanks.
me: how bad is it
dr: nothing that can’t be fixed with some mild dietary restrictions and moderate exercise
[later]
wife: what did the doctor say
me: linda….i’m dying
What this four-way stop needs is some kind of signal that would let people know when it’s their turn to go
Why do girls keep having periods when they hate them? Just stop having them , do what makes you happy ❤️
When my family makes me mad, I make them eat quinoa. I am drunk with power
I’ve got three children’s parties in the next 24 hours.
If I don’t make it: tell my kids it’s their fault.