Pretty sure that “Willy Wonka & the Chocolate Factory” is the kid’s version of “Saw”.
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Corgi: why are my legs so short?
God: that’s just what legs look like.
Corgi: oh cool.
[giraffe walks by]
Corgi:
God: you weren’t supposed to see that.
Single and childfree like Jesus
me: so you want to give me a bunch of shit in exchange for my soul?
satan: yup
me: even though it’s lookin like i’m gonna be down there when i die anyway
satan: you got it
me: …are you just like bored or something? what is this?
Why did David Hasselhoff change his name to The Hoff?
It was less hassle.
The beauty industry:
For men: This can be used as a shampoo, body wash, face wash, lotion, mouth wash, tooth paste, engine degreaser, spackle, or sunscreen
For women: We’ve specially formulated this moisturizer for your left elbow
Why do Americans choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?
My dad’s advice to me for when I receive unwanted male attention:
Pick your nose
HYPNOTIST: YOU ARE FEELING SLEEPY
ME: kinda safe bet there
HYPNOTIST: YOU WILL DANCE LIKE AN OCTOPUS
ME: again, still no surprises.
At first I was disappointed that the prize for completing my “fair food punch card” was a giant bucket, but it turns out I needed it
When I withdrew cash from the ATM, it asked what denominations I wanted so I chose Baptist, Methodist and Presbyterian.
We’re about two years from funerals starting and ending with, “don’t forget to like, share and subscribe.”
The woman that cleaned my house could make a lot of money by threatening to release the before and after photos
[Ouija Board]
“Oh great spirits tell me ur secrets”
You'll die soon
“OMG HOW”
Hold on I have another call
Pink has done surprisingly well as a solo artist ever since her and Floyd split up.
There’s nothing wrong with showing your naked body on Twitter, some of us were born naked.
Are dinosaurs finished evolving into birds yet? Or will they become even birdier?
Me: The older I get, the less I care who sees me naked.
Post office employee: Thank you for at least wearing the mask.
Did it again.
Ticked the wrong box in an online survey and I’m now officially in the Sugababes
Getting asked ‘you want a fork’ by a hot Chinese waitress is misleading as fork to my american ears
Tell a woman she has cute kids and she’s all proud.
Whisper it to her and she calls the cops.
[grocery store]
me: *reaches for the last big pot pie*
little old lady: *reaches for the last big pot pie*
[kill bill sirens]
I’m at the point where my mind thinks I’m 29, my knees suggests I’m 80, and my back wonders why I’m not dead yet.
my co worker is getting married.
She said that she didn’t realize how expensive changing her last name is.
Her and her husband decided if they are going to spend money to have last names changed, they will choose something they both want.
Their new last name will be Nighthawk
Text: ARE YOU ALIVE? Me: Why?
Before we have sex, please select every image that contains a bicycle.
Piñatas give kids unrealistic expectations of how much candy spills out of a donkey when you split one open
Me: *takes off my clothes*
Masseuse Instructor: No. The client removes their clothes…not you.
that colleague who touches your screen
guy: my dog just died
girl who studied abroad: wow that reminds of this one time in Europe i saw a dog