So tired this morning that I think I tried to make a call with a Pop-Tart.
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If the government implants a tracking device on me the only useful information they are going to get is how many times I actually pee in a day.
The great thing about being a man who is entirely secure in his identity is that I always have enough pockets to carry spare kittens.
I think my wife has been moonlighting at the north pole. That is only explanation for why her feet are so cold when she gets into bed
Thanks for telling me your astrological sign, cause now I know a lot about your personality. Like you are a gullible dummy.
In my culture, yawning and rolling my eyes during a Zoom meeting is a sign of respect.
A nicer way to tell someone their breath stinks is to say “I’m bored, let’s go brush your teeth!”
My son can’t decide if he wants to be a Psychologist or a Proctologist so I told him to flip a coin: Heads or tails.
The Internet lets the world instantly know my thought but…they can’t make a microwave that I can put metal in.
Someone isn’t trying.
Everything is made in China. Except babies. Babies are made in vaChina.
holiday horror movie idea: you have 10 days to complete a completely reasonable task that takes 20 minutes to do
It’s not officially bedtime until you drop your phone on your face.
*finds a corpse in the house*
Oh great, more cleaning.
When I get a girlfriend, what do I feed it
the cvs cashier asked me how im doing as i put some diarrhea medicine on the counter. “not great man ive got diarrhea” i told him
Since it would take human contact to get Ebola. Everyone on Twitter is safe.
ME: So are you gonna put it in me or what
NURSE: Sir it’s a blood draw please stop saying that
My top 5 yoga positions
5 Napping Warrior
4 Downward Spiral
3 Crying Plank
2 Farting Tree
1 Drunk Hasselhoff
I want to be financially secure enough to pass up a dime lying in a parking lot. Like “I’ll leave that for someone who needs it”
Magician: Is this your card?!
Me: Yes! *turns to children and whispers* Go out to my truck and get my shotgun and rock salt. Daddy found himself a demon.
my right thumb literally just snarled at my other nine fingers and said, “you have no idea how much more work i do than any of you spoiled brats”
I briefly stepped away from social media to get an idea of what else is going on in the world. For instance, I didn’t realize I was still married.
*Me coming home after a frustrating day*
Grandmother: *sensing I could use a win* How about those…upped dogs, eh?
[Toy Story 5: The College Years]
girl: do I give you a woody?Andy: don’t– hey, don’t call it that
my high school crush made me a mixtape and on the inner lining wrote “date?” and I didn’t see it until TWO YEARS LATER when he already had a serious girlfriend and tbh I’m still upset about it
“I’m sure it’ll turn up” – Translation: I’m bored of helping you look.
I hate it when I imagine how a conversation will go and then in the actual conversation the person goes off script. That’s not your line, Todd.
“Pecan” sounds like Yoda telling someone he is able to go to the bathroom.
my husband and I got into an argument because he says I waste money so as an act of apology I bought him a penguin
If your wife tells you “We’d be terrible partners on The Amazing Race” it’s a term of affection, right?
[Entomologist Meeting]
Guy 1: We found a new, wingless bug. Name ideas?
Guy who named the fly: A crawl?
G 1: Shut your goddamn mouth Todd