Me: “Bond.”
*lowers sunglasses*
“James Bond.”Cashier: “You’ve been doing that for 35 minutes. Are you going to buy the sunglasses or not?”
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YANKEE DOODLE: *sticks feather in his cap* This is called macaroni
YANKEE DOODLE’S FRIEND: Ok, cool. Listen man, everybody’s worried about u
I’m no candle in the wind. I’m a flamethrower at a baby shower.
In summer, I drive with hands at 11 and 1 so the air conditioner vents point directly at my armpits.
The law of children dictates that for every water bottle brought into your car, 37 more water bottles appear on the floor of your car.
Her: Get out, this is the ladies room!
Me: Oh please, If I paid attention to every sign with a picture on it I’d never get a parking place.
My grandpa once shot a hornet’s nest with a shotgun and had to spend 4 hours hiding under a log until the swarm dissipated. What I’m saying is, I come from a long line of poor decision makers so you can only expect so much
I apologize for pinching your lips closed when you started telling me about your kids
What they say: “Parenting is hard.”
What they mean: “You will do your very best to take care of your child, and they will do their very best to stop you from doing that.”
Me: “Thanks for always being here for me.”
*leans in for a kiss*
Liquor store clerk: “Please just pay for your bourbon and leave.”
The eliptical I want costs $500, the cheeseburger I want cost $1, you see my dilemma?
*family meeting at Noah’s house* who wants us to do what by when?
I don’t believe that twitter is the place for arguments.
We all have family for that..
8: I’m gonna marry someone who likes a different cereal than I do, so he won’t eat all my favorite cereal.
Me: Sounds pretty legit.
My girlfriend is pissed that I just matched with her on Tinder.
[Cops at crime scene]
Cop 1: Criminal scum. They must have taken every single toilet.
Cop 2: Wow, they really left us nothing to go on.
I told my date I was depressed. I added, “not like cut my inner thigh depressed, but sleep with you even though I don’t like you depressed.”
A thoughtful Romcom about mansplaining called “Well, Actually”
My resume is really just a list of shit I hope I never have to do again.
Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom
…but it’s just me attempting to recover silverware from my teenage son’s bedroom.
strapless bras are cool cause by the end of the night you have a new belt
I’m babysitting my 2 yr old nephew today and when I told him he couldn’t eat ice cream for breakfast he told me “you’re not my best friend anymore” so we compromised and now he’s on his second bowl of ice cream and I’ve gained the title “best friend in the whole wide world”
Time for me to sign up for the hallmark channel for the next two months.
there are a lot of white women in fur-lined parkas that I need to watch fall in love
One day, the fridge will take revenge on me, every half hour opening the door to my room, staring at me for a few minutes & then walk away.
We were making out on the couch and She’s like “Let’s take this upstairs” I’m like “Ok you grab one side and I’ll grab the other!”
I was on a date with a girl and she said “did you notice my finger nails?” And I was like “yes” and she was like “well I have no arms”
*puts almost empty milk carton back in fridge*
[wife texts me from France]
“Really?”
Me: Watcha got there?
8: Lemonade.
Me: What kind?
8: Mike’s
Me: Nooooooo
me: what do you want from me
wife: a divorce
me: i meant for christmas
First date idea: We go magnet fishing for that cool knife I threw off the bridge because I thought the cops were after me.
8yo: Geez Mom. Haven’t you ever heard of privacy?
Me: Not since you were born.