Texts should come with a decoder ring, because wtf do you mean by “hey…”
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I think the most fucked up thing about the Catholic Church is that they force Bishops to only move in diagonals
If we were in a fight, I’d mop the floor with you…
Except I don’t do housework.
If Wile E. Coyote really wanted to destroy the Road Runner, he should have just proposed.
Caveman: “So what do you call it?”
Caveman2: “I call it burny light.”
Caveman: “that’s terrible. You’re fired from the naming committee.”
Caveman2 “wait… say that again…”
When I was younger, I thought all the sexual acts were numbered and everyone just knew them, like 69.
So I would just say random numbers and act surprised when others didn’t know about it.
On Twitter, I still need to pretend I know what y’all talking about..
[pronounces “pineapples” like “minneapolis”]
Chess with Australians must get so confusing.
“Check, mate.”
“Naw mate, that’s just a check.”
“That’s what I said. Check, mate”
A friend text me after the election to ask how I was doing. Now she says I’m mad at her because I haven’t answered, but I’m still typing.
Me: *walking out of dressing room* Ok be honest…
Boyfriend: I’m gay.
Computer: Hey can I restart for updates?
Me: No, I’m busy.
Computer: Hey it’s tomorrow can I restart for updates?
Me: No
(A week of this later)
Computer: Hey can I restart for updates?
Me: FINE JUST RESTART HURRY UP
Computer: Haha jk I haven’t downloaded them yet 😀
My son came home hella mad today talking about he told his friends i was a virgin and they told him that was impossible
The fact that there ain’t no rest for the wicked is probably why I’m always so tired
[first day as a spy]
Wife: what’s your bosses name?
Me: I can’t tell you that
Wife: why?
Me: because I don’t remember, Linda
My kid brother used to have a lazy eye and had to wear an eye patch.
My whole body is lazy so I’m wearing my couch.
I like my women with curves.
Those skinny ones are alway mad cause they’re hungry.
So, is Dora 18 yet, or what? Asking for a friend.
I thanked my husband for favoriting one of my tweets and he said: ‘Ya that was an accident.’
a murderer tries to stab me but im wearing rollerskates and he just kind of pushes me a few feet
Don’t make a mountain out of a molehill
Do it with mashed potatoes, then play keyboard for the aliens… I think my cough medicine expired
me: return of the mack.
cashier: receipt of the mack?
Bruce Wayne was terrified of bats & he became Batman, so anyway that’s why I became ClownBaboonDentistMan
I like you, but I like peeing in swimming pools, so it’s not saying much.
You can make anything sound British if you add the word “force” after the first word.
Eg:
Guitar force
Tea time force
Biscuit force
Football force
ME WHEN A NORMAL BUG IS ON ME: Eww.
ME WHEN A LADYBUG IS ON ME: Evening, ma’am.
I know yoga isn’t supposed to be competitive but I was definitely breathing harder than the guy next to me in class today
*closes door*
“Did you take out the trash?”
“Her name is LINDA, Mom.”
2016: Everyone you love in entertainment will die!
2017: Everyone you love in entertainment is a sexual degenerate.
2018: The dog from Air Bud is the Zodiac Killer.
me:
table: hi
me: *checks dosage*
Officer: Do you know how fast you were going?
Me: *checks Fitbit*
I’ve been sleeping w my laundry for like 4 days
We are dating