*LIGHTHOUSE*
BATMAN – You call?
L/HOUSE KEEPER – Shit, not again man. I am so sorry.
BATMAN – Dead seagull on the light?
LK -*Nods*
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“Tim’s coming tonight”
“Tim with hooves for feet or Tim that likes to bang coconut halves together?”
[in the distance] clip-clop clip-clop
My 42 yr old friend is dating a 24 yo guy, she caught him cheating so she took away his play station for a week
Is it a good sign when your therapist keeps saying Ka-Ching?
her: I love guys who know what they want
me: I want $100,000
her: but stay humble
me: I’ll never have $100,000
I have 1 calorie left for the day on MyFitnessPal app. I think I’ll eat this fruit fly that’s been annoying me.
me: [absolutely shredding] I told you I played a little guitar
him: that’s a mandolin
I won a chocolate bunny at the carnival but it was a hollow victory.
“Don’t make things all about you for once…”
My mother says hi.
Don’t ask me for directions
I got lost on an elevator once.
Me: is the fish fishy?
Waiter: it’s a mild fish.
Me: so it’s mildly fishy?
Waiter, to my husband: is she-
Husband: Yes, she’s always like this.
My tacos arrived with a fork on the plate. I can only guess it’s there to stab potential taco thieves.
Congrats to #LeonardoDiCaprio on his first Best Actor Oscar.
You can stop sacrificing goats now.
Parents yelling “I’m not going to ask you again” at their kids, will definitely be asking them again
Hot air balloons kick ass. Are they safe? Not really. Can you stop if you don’t like it? Think again. BUT can you steer? Listen don’t bring that negative energy into this wicker basket ok I’m gonna light this flamethrower.
[An alternate reality where Smurfs live among us and I see Smurfette at the bar and she’s looking real good]
Me: Hey I think you’re really bluetiful
[watching burglar tear apart the house] lmao ur not even close
Se7en, but instead of deadly sins, the murders are based on different Smurfs.
My dog understands four words: his name, food, outside and Antidisestablishmentarianism.
Guys! I finally dusted my bedroom! And guess what? I HAVE A NIGHTSTAND!!!
Whaaa? You taste brides? RT MatrooKiBijlee: Bridal tasting was a success! The only thing I regret is not taking pictures. But still….”
Some of you are like family to me. I don’t want you calling me either.
I guess I didn’t lobby hard enough to make extroduce the word of the year.
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Here-1 sided text conversation between me and my 18yo daughter because all I do is pick her up from places.
Well well well, if it isn’t the guy from the cloud shapes in the sky…
Me, at food counter: Those bacon burger sliders look delicious, 3 please .
Her: Sir, those are calves and piglets & this is a petting zoo!
Flight attendant: all we’ve got to watch is air bud
Me: I know how windows work pal
The credit card machine at the liquor store wasn’t working so I whispered to it, “Please…. my mother is at my house,” and it felt bad for me and worked!!!!!!!!!!!!!
If you ever have a moment of self-doubt, just remember that Kanye rhymed “collagen” with “apologi’n” so you can do anything.
My 3 year old nephew pronounces the letter ‘s’ like ‘d’ and received a very comprehensive lesson on the importance of the number six tonight.