My wife left me by doing the “stairs behind the sofa” thing and never came back
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Avoid talking politics at Thanksgiving this year by getting a sweet neck tattoo the day before
So afraid of commitment I only play “Words With Acquaintances”.
I cleaned my bathroom mirror 3 times, only to realize the smudge was chocolate smeared on my face from two days ago.
I got chased by two Canadian geese today. I know they were Canadian because when they realized I was genuinely scared, they apologized.
Normalise saying “better you than me” to people who keep complaining about everything.
If a centaur wins a wrestling match, does he wear his belt
Like this Or this
“Remember Robert from work?”
Yeah..he was a douche.
“He died.”
WHAT?!? OMG..He was such a nice guy!
“Hi, my daughter will be late to school because she can zip up her jacket by herself.”
Raid™: For when you don’t want to kill ants, but want to make them late for something.
If you love somebody, let them go. If they’re smart, they’ll keep going.
wife: what the hell?
me: that’s…
wife: don’t do it
me: just…
wife: i mean it
me: how…
wife: i’m warning you
me: they…
wife: STOP
me: roll
[ first date ]
Me. Do you take drugs?
Him. I never touch them.
Me. Perfect. Can I have a urine sample?
“Then, the handsome prince sees her dead body laying there and has to kiss her.”
“Ummm, what?”
“Trust me, the kids will love it.”
[Me as a Sunday school teacher]
…then on the third day Odin went to Valhalla so that warriors who died in battle would have eternal life.
ME: need help?
GIRL (having car trouble): could u give me a jump
ME: *inflating the bounce house I keep in my trunk* I thought u’d never ask
Me: *leaving flowers* We miss you Auntie Anne
Cashier: Sir, this is a pretzel stand
Me: I know but her actual grave is like, really far away
My wife and I play this adorable game where I pick a place to eat and she says no until it’s someone else’s idea.
NEIGHBOR: dude, that’s the scariest costume I’ve ever seen. I love Halloween.
ME: [wiping blood off my chainsaw onto my apron] costume?
If Die Hard is a Christmas movie, then a sleeveless vest is perfectly suitable attire for dinner with your mother, Sharon.
If you don’t open your mouth when you yawn, you’re a monster. I’m serious. Let that demon go. You’re freaking everybody out.
I feel like IBM isn’t being roasted enough for their company name.
interviewer: what do you know about excel?
me: *closing my eyes* 24th and 12th letter of the alphabet
feel like Nope sort of put the cgi animals question to bed forever lol. you really want a real life bear on set? for a scene where your lead actress is getting attacked by the bear?
*Googles myself*
“Oh so that’s why I didn’t get the job.”
*cop approaches me*
“have u seen this girl?”
*holds up photo*
“yeah I’ve seen her, NAKED”
*hi-5*
“haha but seriously shes in my trunk”
Check out @funTweeters. Laughing until I was crying!
Me: Okay, give it to me straight. Why doesn’t my food blog get any subscribers?
Food Blog Mentor: Well, you might want to stop posting recipes that end with “food should look like it’s been chewed up and spit out”.
My coworkers have such cute nicknames for me, like “The one who eats all the donuts” and “Don’t tell her there’s pizza in the kitchen”.
All my life, I never thought I’d wake up at 6am to go jogging…and I was right.
Sorry I have been gone for the last two days, my son had a quick story to tell me